I need feminism because

I get told ladies don’t need piercings to make them pretty.

I get told my behaviour is unladylike on a regular basis.

I get told I should be home looking after my husband more.

I was automatically given dolls as I child when I wanted boglins. (I eventually got them).

Women still make less than men on average.

I get looked down on by male photographers mainly because I am female.

I am fed up of having my bum pinched by strangers.

I was never taken as seriously as the males involved in my last business venture.

There is vat on tampons etc.

People are shocked I can change a tyre.

My mum’s religion says I should serve my husband.

My dad stopped being able to use a cooker when he moved in with my mum.

I don’t dress for other people.

I don’t want to be judged based on my gender as it does not define me.

I am regularly slut shamed for having male friends.

I have been sexually assaulted and what I was wearing was commented on by a police man.

I like being able to vote.

Telling guys I am married is more likely to get them to leave me alone than telling them I am not interested.

Cat calls are not a compliment.

Rape culture.

Too many people think the length of my skirt says something about my morals.

Things are not equal.

And a shit load more reasons.

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Crossover was something beautiful to me

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Crossover was a club night.  I was a founding member. We started with nothing just the four of us and a vague idea. The idea grew from bits of thoughts from all of us. Not one person whose baby it was, four people with a goal and ambition. Four people who wanted something special. A place people could go and have fun, a safe haven for everyone, a place no one would feel excluded, a wonderful party environment, fantastic performances and entertainment with a diverse musical selection. Mainly we wanted a community. The alt scene used to be one and we wanted it back.

A year and a half has passed since this vision began and I am saddened to see the end of it. We all had big hopes and dreams and for a while it went so well. Then things changed I am not going to go into the politics of it all but I will say some times people aren’t who you think they are and not everything you see is the full story. I left when I felt the strain of dealing with the politics on top of finding out how very ill I was, I tried talking to our official founding member about it but I soon realised how little she cared I was made to believe the other two members felt the same I have since realised this was far from true and yes I am still hurt by her behaviour I nearly lost two very wonderful people from my life because of it.

Now that’s the sad bit out of the way. It’s time for a happy reflection. It maybe over now but lets look at what we did and smile. I met some of the most fabulous people I have ever known. I gained confidence in my own abilities in ways I never had before. I performed on a stage that some very awesome people have. I saw performances like I had never seen before. I danced my ass off. I cried with happiness when we did well. I laughed more than I had in a long time. I took some wonderful photos. I grew close to the beautiful gentlemen who were there from start to finish. I saw hundreds of people happy, enjoying themselves and loving their night out. I saw people standing out and not worrying about being different. I can look back and still say I think we did something wonderful for a while there.

I know some people will not agree with this and that is really up to them. I am sorry if my point of view upsets anyone I have been wanting to write about how much the club meant to me since I left but I didn’t want to cause trouble, now I don’t have to worry about that I am not doing. So a big thank you to everyone who was there along the way you did more for me than you will ever know and a big fuck you to the haters its your own soul you are destroying with your hate not mine. 

Getting somewhere

In the last couple of years I have been working on improving my self image. I am doing really well. I am so much more comfortable with myself. I have been doing really well with my photography and my modelling, I am even proud of how this blog is going.

I get messages about my photography on a regular basis and lots of people look at and like my pictures. I am at the point where I am generally happy with my finished pictures.

I am doing really well with my modelling and am now a sponsored model for a wonderful alternative clothing company. I posted a picture yesterday that got a lot of responses a couple of not so nice ones but so many lovely ones, it made me so glad I do this and made me remember why I started doing it which was to make art and feel good about myself. Here is the picture.

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Copyright restrainedimages

I used to hate my bum and am now happy enough to post it for the world to see.

So this is a thank you to everyone who has been supportive. You mean the world to me. Every nice comment and every like and if you don’t like it just click back and don’t look. If you feel the need to notify someone you don’t like what they are doing as a general rule just don’t.

I hate waiting

Patience was never a virtue I possessed I wanted everything now. I have tried to change this about my self but I couldn’t. So I learnt to live with it.

Today I can’t. I have to wait a week for hospital results. I know there is nothing that can be done about this and I appreciate that the hospital are being as quick as they can. I appreciate everything all the medical professionals I have seen in the last 12 months have done for me. I appreciate the support I have had from my friends and family.

Yesterday I had a bone marrow biopsy. Yes it hurt. Yes it still aches. No this isn’t the problem except for making it hard to forget about it. I will find out in a week if I am cancer free and if I have enough functional bone marrow to survive. If not I will have to have more chemo and a bone marrow transplant. I am terrified I don’t know if I could handle more bad news, the last year has been so hard. I want to get on with my life now I am fed up with being ill.

The stress of waiting is stopping me thinking about anything else and I can tell it is really starting to affect my bipolar. I have been relatively well mentally as of late but I can feel that changing. My mind is going at a million miles an hour about all the things the results could turn up. It’s been a day and I am already not functioning properly after a day I am going to be such a mess in a week.

I know I have wonderful people in my life to support me but I feel I am taking more than my fair share right now and not giving them much back. I love them so much and I hope for all of them I can get back to normal soon.

I don’t want to be the best

I hate having my worth judged in comparison to others. I don’t want to be your favourite because i might screw up and lose my status. I don’t want you to love me more than everyone else because one day someone else might bump me from that spot. I never found being poly itself hard until yesterday. This has come as a massive shock to my system.

Right enough rambling lets try to write something that makes sense.

I have never felt that polyamory was a competition. I have never had any concern that my partner may run off with someone else and leave me because they  wouldn’t need to and I trusted them. I felt the competition side of things recently. I was made to feel that if someone better could be found I wouldn’t be needed anymore. I felt like I was the best they could find right now and if that changed I would be gone.

I am quite proud of how I dealt with it though and feel it showed me my ability to share my feelings has definitely improved because I asked for reassurance. I was told that I was the best and would always be the most important. This has only made things worse and I definitely feel like I would need to compete with anyone else they had a relationship with to keep things like this. I also feel it would be really unfair on their other partners as I know I don’t like being told I am not as good as someone else by someone I care about.

I think this may have been mainly rambling nonsense sorry.

The Ethical Slut, Fifteen ways to be kind to yourself

1-Do yoga
2-Have a candle lit bath
3-Go somewhere green
4-Ring a good friend
5-Meditate
6-Dance to some of my favourite music
7-Write a list of ten things I am grateful for
8-Watch one of my favourite films
9-Take a nap
10-Write my feelings down
11-Read
12-Look at photographs
13-Make something
14-Tidy/clean something
15-Do something spiritual