On the 12 of February. My life changed. I made a new plan. It didn’t start out as what I thought would be a good day. I wanted to hide from my problems. I had been let down by people I had held quite highly, people I thought were good people it turned out were more interested in money than morals. Its one of those facts of life that I hate but most of the world are that way. I was disappointed, downtrodden and I decided to give up, my fight was gone. I lost friends because I spoke up for what I believed in. I was even being threatened for it.
Then the better people in my life intervened. I was reminded by strangers exactly why I was standing up and being heard. People encouraging me to carry on as I was. There are things in this world that need changing and they aren’t going to be fixed by giving up. I want a world that I am proud to bring my son up in.
I refuse to be part of the problem. We all need to do a little bit to make the world better. So for my part I am protesting the things I really don’t agree with. I am standing for the rights of those who don’t have them. I have officially become carer for my nana to try and help make her life easier and brighter. I have had emma move in to my home disrupting everything but I wouldn’t change that. I am writing for a mental health organisation. I have plans to volunteer for feeding the homeless with Manchester angels (look them up they are ace). I am going to be running a therapy session for people who are abuse victims.
On top of this I realised how much I still had to fix about myself. I am still the product of what the world has done to me. I refuse to be that way. I won’t let the world grind me down to being all the things I hate. I want to leave the world having been the cause of more smiles than sadness and I guess that has to start with me too. I have a plan and the path ahead looks bright.
The journey so far hasn’t been easy but it has been full of smiles so I getting somewhere at least.
There’s no way out because I am well aware the problem is in my head. It is never going to go away. It might never get any easier than it is right now.
I can see exactly why people take their own lives sitting here in this moment.
My head hurts, it’s spinning my world is a mess. I don’t know how to talk to anyone. No one understands. So I sit here with my cat. My husband and my son are already sleeping and I love them so much, I know exactly how blessed I am to have them. I can’t help thinking they would be so much better off without me though. I am completely insane, my bipolar is causing so much strain on my life and my relationships recently. None of my usual coping mechanisms are doing anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am sat here crying in possibly the worst state I have been in years and I have been telling everyone all day that everything is fine. It’s not everything is far from fine. Why couldn’t I say that to my friends? To my husband? To my mum? Why do I have to feel like this? Will it always be this way? Will I live with this feeling into old age?
That is if I make it to old age. I found out today there is a problem with my blood test results and I need to go back to the haematology specialist on wednesday so my treatment may be failing already or my cancer may not have gone away as was thought before or a million and one other things.
I am rambling on my blog just to be doing something because I might scream otherwise at best and at worst I have no idea what I could do. I need to sleep but there is no way that will happen.
I know I am lucky but right now life doesn’t seem worth living.
I should be happy. Life is pretty good. I recently found out I am not going to die from my blood disease. I have a beautiful husband and child. I just had an awesome weekend in beautiful places with my husband and sister, who also rocks.
None of it seems to matter my head hurts, I am bored, my life lacks direction, I don’t know what to do so I lack the motivation to do anything. I feel so lost. I can’t even find myself in my own head. My thoughts are spinning faster than I can keep track of yet I am depressed this is not how it usually works. I don’t know what to do with these feelings but I know I need to do something. I wonder what I should do with my life, where I should go from here.
I wonder if I will ever be able to go a week without questioning myself. I am so much better than I used to be but I have so far to go. I know I will never think quite like most people do but I am ok with that I don’t really want to be normal. I think I just want to be doing something………but what?
So this infuriated me a little, maybe more than a little, maybe a hell of a lot more than a little.
Today when talking to a relative I was told I obviously don’t really have bipolar because I get by ok without the meds. She didn’t mean this is a crappy way I am sure. She is just under the impression that everyone with bipolar must be medicated. She thinks they must be wrong about what is wrong with me. Maybe they are maybe I have been misdiagnosed I can’t really tell you that.
What I can tell you is I struggle almost everyday, maybe 1 in 5 days I won’t be confronted with a problem relating to my bipolar and that is a massive improvement on where I used to be when it controlled my every waking and sleeping moment. It dictates my sleeping pattern, whether or not I can work, if I can think straight, if I am capable of making a decision, if my skin crawls and I want to peel it off one strip at a time. I do not simply get by I struggle I fight with my own mind. I have found out what helps and what makes things worse. I am so much better than I was and am so proud of myself but I definitely am not getting by ok I am just coping because this is the only life I have so sometimes coping is just what I have to do.
In the last couple of years I have been working on improving my self image. I am doing really well. I am so much more comfortable with myself. I have been doing really well with my photography and my modelling, I am even proud of how this blog is going.
I get messages about my photography on a regular basis and lots of people look at and like my pictures. I am at the point where I am generally happy with my finished pictures.
I am doing really well with my modelling and am now a sponsored model for a wonderful alternative clothing company. I posted a picture yesterday that got a lot of responses a couple of not so nice ones but so many lovely ones, it made me so glad I do this and made me remember why I started doing it which was to make art and feel good about myself. Here is the picture.
I used to hate my bum and am now happy enough to post it for the world to see.
So this is a thank you to everyone who has been supportive. You mean the world to me. Every nice comment and every like and if you don’t like it just click back and don’t look. If you feel the need to notify someone you don’t like what they are doing as a general rule just don’t.
*sex is fun π
*sex is good for your health π
*I like kissing π
*I do not love monogamously π
*I like persons π
*I like making sexual connections with people π
*it feels free π
*I am in control of who touches my body π
*extra cuddles π
*sex is proven to be good for your skin
*sex is great exercise π
*sex helps with depression
*I get different things sexually from different people π
*I like cock and cunt π
*I don’t like feeling tied down, unless well I am actually tied down π
*I like showing off my butt π
*I get to know things about people I wouldn’t otherwise π
*seeing lots of beautiful people naked π
*intimacy feels nice π
*it makes me happy π
*I make others happy and feel good π
*I like being playful π
*learning more about my sexual desires π
*extra love π
*being touched is fun π
*flirting is fun π
*I believe monogamy isn’t the norm for primates π
*I was taught to share
*I don’t need control over my partner π
*I like variety π
*for spiritual advancement
*to challenge society
*because I have a strong sexual appetite π
*more caring supportive people in your life π
*group sex rocks π
*feels natural π
*I believe in love π
*being sex positive π
*it pisses prudes off ¥
*practice makes perfect
*try new things π
*boost self esteem ¥
*because boobs ππππππ
*peer pressure ¥
*increase immune system
*improve sexual technique π
*daddy issues ¥
*male approval ¥
*cash gains ¥
*sexual addiction ¥
*people smell nice π
I will mark ones I think describe the type of slut I don’t want to be with ¥
Ones I think are good reasons with π
There’s something a few people know and it really is only a few. It’s something that has been hard for me to tell anyone and even harder for me to deal with. I have a blood disorder aplastic anemia and it has entirely changed my life.
I found out on top of it I had Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which needed to be treated with chemotherapy, which would be extra difficult with my condition as both lower the amount of blood cells and platelets you have. I am now finished with the chemo, fingers crossed one test left. It has been a rough journey but lots of wonderful people have helped me along the way. I have wonderful friends, family and partners. I have met some great medical professionals, I honestly think they couldn’t have been better especially the poor nurse I emptied my stomach on during my first session.
So today the hardest part of it all happened someone close to me who I really care about, one of the few people I trusted to tell. Accused me of lying because I still have hair. I don’t still have all of my hair I shaved bits of it as they were the patches that were falling out, I cut it short and what’s left of it is much thinner but yes I am lucky to have some left. I am lucky that my wonderful doctor picked a chemo drug for me that doesn’t make all your hair fall out. I am lucky that I am still alive thanks to the wonderful doctors but I didn’t need this attitude it has broken my heart more than a little. So to anyone who thinks I would make a thing like this up I am adding a link to the drug I was being given where is specifically says you are unlikely to lose all your hair. Also fuck you.