On Friday I found out I might have to have more chemotherapy.
I was really secretive about it the first time round and most people didn’t know until the end of the treatment. I hated it I felt really alone but I didn’t want to let it interfere with my whole life so I kept it a secret. I tried to pretend everything was ok and I failed I was pushing myself too hard. The whole time was awful.
As you can imagine I don’t want to go through that again. I find out in two weeks what my test results are and what will be happening. I am scared. I have told more people about this than last time but I still feel alone. I am currently sat at home driving myself insane thinking about everything but at least I have my cat (I have lots of other beautiful people in my life but she’s the only one here).
I am planning for the worst. If my results are bad they will want me to start chemo on the 20th of December possibly and I will not be doing that. I have told my husband this. The 20th is Yule and I don’t want to ruin it. I also don’t fancy being sick other Christmas with a ten year old child. This is my first Yule/Christmas with my new slightly bigger family set up and I want to enjoy it as I don’t know when I will next be ok to plan anything.
I am going to spend the next month concentrating on making myself as healthy as possible for the coming treatment. I am looking for spiritual guidance in this so will be contacting a few people about alternative therapies etc.
I am also going to try and fit lots into the next month. I am not going to bury my head in the sand.
I am going to need lots of hugs though and probably a lot of coffee.