Crossover was something beautiful to me

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Crossover was a club night.  I was a founding member. We started with nothing just the four of us and a vague idea. The idea grew from bits of thoughts from all of us. Not one person whose baby it was, four people with a goal and ambition. Four people who wanted something special. A place people could go and have fun, a safe haven for everyone, a place no one would feel excluded, a wonderful party environment, fantastic performances and entertainment with a diverse musical selection. Mainly we wanted a community. The alt scene used to be one and we wanted it back.

A year and a half has passed since this vision began and I am saddened to see the end of it. We all had big hopes and dreams and for a while it went so well. Then things changed I am not going to go into the politics of it all but I will say some times people aren’t who you think they are and not everything you see is the full story. I left when I felt the strain of dealing with the politics on top of finding out how very ill I was, I tried talking to our official founding member about it but I soon realised how little she cared I was made to believe the other two members felt the same I have since realised this was far from true and yes I am still hurt by her behaviour I nearly lost two very wonderful people from my life because of it.

Now that’s the sad bit out of the way. It’s time for a happy reflection. It maybe over now but lets look at what we did and smile. I met some of the most fabulous people I have ever known. I gained confidence in my own abilities in ways I never had before. I performed on a stage that some very awesome people have. I saw performances like I had never seen before. I danced my ass off. I cried with happiness when we did well. I laughed more than I had in a long time. I took some wonderful photos. I grew close to the beautiful gentlemen who were there from start to finish. I saw hundreds of people happy, enjoying themselves and loving their night out. I saw people standing out and not worrying about being different. I can look back and still say I think we did something wonderful for a while there.

I know some people will not agree with this and that is really up to them. I am sorry if my point of view upsets anyone I have been wanting to write about how much the club meant to me since I left but I didn’t want to cause trouble, now I don’t have to worry about that I am not doing. So a big thank you to everyone who was there along the way you did more for me than you will ever know and a big fuck you to the haters its your own soul you are destroying with your hate not mine. 

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Getting to know me

Facts about me that may or may not be of interest to people who read my blog but may help it make more sense when I write from now on.

1. I am Belisana, I am a genderqueer, pan sexual, pagan, mother, feminist, polyamorous, bipolar, kinky, switchy, cat, alternative, photographer, model…….
2. I have one child, a boy of 10 who will be called monkey from this point on
3. I am married to a wonderful man, have been for 8 years and together for a couple more than that, now known as H
4. I have a lovely boyfriend of just 2 1/2 months, now known as bf
5. I have a relationship forming with a wonderful woman but I am not sure where it is going, now known as bob
6. I write because I like to and I don’t mind if no one or everyone reads it
7. I am active on the local kink scene
8. I have a beautiful chosen sister, now known as tink.
9. I love my cat ivy more than I apparently should
10. I love my friends and have lots of them
11. I am having extensive medical treatment, no I don’t want to talk about it
12. I love to party
13. I live very much for the moment
14. I would love to change the world
15. I can think of nothing worse than being normal

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16. This is my seal of approval so don’t worry I don’t need anyone else’s

modelling

So a little while ago I started doing photo shoots with photographers who I knew and asked me nicely. One of them suggested I join a modelling website, they thought I would do really well I was totally unsure.

I braved the applications etc and I did it. It has been an amazing confidence building experience so far. I am aware that I am not size 8, 6 foot perfectly toned beauty, so I don’t take offence when that’s what someone is looking for, I get passed over a lot because of this and I am completely ok with that. I am relatively happy with myself the way I am and it would appear so are many others. Within a week of joining the site I had 8 bookings and many more responses.

I was so nervous when I went for the first shoot I have ever done with a photographer I hadn’t met before, but it went wonderfully. Ideas were flowing we tried lots of different things. I am so excited I have only seen a few of the resulting photos but I love them I am so happy right now and excited to see what will come next.

UPDATE

Since this I have shot with lots of photographers and had paid work. I love it. I am more body confident than ever. I like bits of me I used to hate. I have tried looks I never would have thought of.