Crossover was a club night. I was a founding member. We started with nothing just the four of us and a vague idea. The idea grew from bits of thoughts from all of us. Not one person whose baby it was, four people with a goal and ambition. Four people who wanted something special. A place people could go and have fun, a safe haven for everyone, a place no one would feel excluded, a wonderful party environment, fantastic performances and entertainment with a diverse musical selection. Mainly we wanted a community. The alt scene used to be one and we wanted it back.
A year and a half has passed since this vision began and I am saddened to see the end of it. We all had big hopes and dreams and for a while it went so well. Then things changed I am not going to go into the politics of it all but I will say some times people aren’t who you think they are and not everything you see is the full story. I left when I felt the strain of dealing with the politics on top of finding out how very ill I was, I tried talking to our official founding member about it but I soon realised how little she cared I was made to believe the other two members felt the same I have since realised this was far from true and yes I am still hurt by her behaviour I nearly lost two very wonderful people from my life because of it.
Now that’s the sad bit out of the way. It’s time for a happy reflection. It maybe over now but lets look at what we did and smile. I met some of the most fabulous people I have ever known. I gained confidence in my own abilities in ways I never had before. I performed on a stage that some very awesome people have. I saw performances like I had never seen before. I danced my ass off. I cried with happiness when we did well. I laughed more than I had in a long time. I took some wonderful photos. I grew close to the beautiful gentlemen who were there from start to finish. I saw hundreds of people happy, enjoying themselves and loving their night out. I saw people standing out and not worrying about being different. I can look back and still say I think we did something wonderful for a while there.
I know some people will not agree with this and that is really up to them. I am sorry if my point of view upsets anyone I have been wanting to write about how much the club meant to me since I left but I didn’t want to cause trouble, now I don’t have to worry about that I am not doing. So a big thank you to everyone who was there along the way you did more for me than you will ever know and a big fuck you to the haters its your own soul you are destroying with your hate not mine.
Facts about me that may or may not be of interest to people who read my blog but may help it make more sense when I write from now on.
1. I am Belisana, I am a genderqueer, pan sexual, pagan, mother, feminist, polyamorous, bipolar, kinky, switchy, cat, alternative, photographer, model…….
2. I have one child, a boy of 10 who will be called monkey from this point on
3. I am married to a wonderful man, have been for 8 years and together for a couple more than that, now known as H
4. I have a lovely boyfriend of just 2 1/2 months, now known as bf
5. I have a relationship forming with a wonderful woman but I am not sure where it is going, now known as bob
6. I write because I like to and I don’t mind if no one or everyone reads it
7. I am active on the local kink scene
8. I have a beautiful chosen sister, now known as tink.
9. I love my cat ivy more than I apparently should
10. I love my friends and have lots of them
11. I am having extensive medical treatment, no I don’t want to talk about it
12. I love to party
13. I live very much for the moment
14. I would love to change the world
15. I can think of nothing worse than being normal
16. This is my seal of approval so don’t worry I don’t need anyone else’s
So a little while ago I started doing photo shoots with photographers who I knew and asked me nicely. One of them suggested I join a modelling website, they thought I would do really well I was totally unsure.
I braved the applications etc and I did it. It has been an amazing confidence building experience so far. I am aware that I am not size 8, 6 foot perfectly toned beauty, so I don’t take offence when that’s what someone is looking for, I get passed over a lot because of this and I am completely ok with that. I am relatively happy with myself the way I am and it would appear so are many others. Within a week of joining the site I had 8 bookings and many more responses.
I was so nervous when I went for the first shoot I have ever done with a photographer I hadn’t met before, but it went wonderfully. Ideas were flowing we tried lots of different things. I am so excited I have only seen a few of the resulting photos but I love them I am so happy right now and excited to see what will come next.
Since this I have shot with lots of photographers and had paid work. I love it. I am more body confident than ever. I like bits of me I used to hate. I have tried looks I never would have thought of.