Confusion

This post is just for me.

The last week has been one of head spinning, brain melting confusion. I have been having huge bi polar issues. The kaleidoscopic nature of my brain is a little too much, I have cried and laughed and been the horniest creature that ever there was. I have been a terror to my partners and friends. I can’t think how to fix any of it as I can’t follow a singular thought for too long at a time. I am struggling to get anything done and as always I have loads to do.

Plus points I am feeling really creative, some of the happy points have been delightful and music sounds better than ever. Weird brain you are definitely different but all in all I still don’t hate you. I am sorry to anyone I hurt along the way though.

It’s been a while

It’s been a while. I have been really busy due to lots of things going wrong, this is a hard time in my household but it is showing me how lucky I am.

So here is an update and a little more about me. I am Bel (I picked this NAME),  I am nearing 30 (I am not ok with is), I am a celtic pagan, I am poly, I am a mum, I am pan sexual, I no longer choose to define my gender and I am happy. All of these things are currently important facts about me, I wouldn’t always say they are but as they are right now I am going to talk about them.

I AM BELISANA
Not my first name given at birth, but the name I feel most comfortable with, I prefer Bel as a general any time use casual name. A little known celtic goddess local to me with qualities I like I feel a strong connection to her and her river. I am more comfortable in the name because it is mine.

I AM NEARLY 30
I am getting older I am not coping well with it I want to be young forever, I am not ready for the next stages of life and I am not where I wanted to be by the time I am 30 by a long way. The closer I get to it the more I am disappointed. On the other hand I know myself so much better now than when I was younger I am more accepting of me and happier for it.

I AM A CELTIC PAGAN
I have been for many years, I was as a child I took a small break and looked at other religions but I realised I was still pagan inside so I stopped looking and came back to my faith. I am deeply religious to the point where it shocks my friends. I love my connection with nature and my people (ancestors, family and friends).

I AM POLY
I am actively polyamorous, I have been all my life I tried monogamy and it really isn’t for me. I feel a complete inability to be myself and I can’t tell my heart what to do so it just doesn’t work. I love easily and that makes me feel like I was cheating even if I was just with a friend. In my current relationships my heart is free to feel what it wants as long as my mouth is honest about it. I live with my wonderful husband of 8 years and we have our problems but we have enough love to get through them. I also have a fantastic boyfriend who is amazing we have been together a very short time but he understands me and is so respectful of the already defined aspects of my life. I also have a lovely girlfriend who I have been friends with for many years and we are slowly working our way into a relationship so we don’t ruin our friendship, she is amazing and it’s totally worth the slow pace to know that she’s mine.

I AM A MUM
My son is beautiful, he is perfect and I wouldn’t change him. He is the most important thing in my entire world but I will not let myself lose my identity in being a mum. So I like to make sure as well as plenty of together time  we have time apart.

I AM PANSEXUAL
As I don’t really agree with gender constraints of any kind it makes sense that I don’t see my attractions to people as based on their gender or sex. I fancy people specific ones based on their individual qualities not something society tells me about them.

I NO LONGER CHOOSE TO DEFINE MY GENDER BASED ON WHAT SOCIETY TELLS ME
I am me I am just starting out my journey into realising my gender identity but I know I would prefer not to be defined as male or female now. I have a lot more to think about on this before I decide what I would like to be referred to as.

I AM HAPPY
Well all of the above give me plenty of reasons for happiness even the fact I am aging because I have a long journey ahead yet.