Weekly Photo Challenge, Unexpected

Weekly Photo Contest, Unexpected

I didn’t expect to find a painted mannequin in a tree but she looks happy

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Sending myself a response to the first post on my old blog

So this is my little blog. There is so much going on in my head that I decided this is a good way to go. This is dedicated to self discovery and love. I have spent years wondering where I belong and if there is anywhere I will fit in and be accepted. I wondered if I would ever be happy in myself again. I fought against my brain. I tried to describe myself. I tried to know myself and I failed until recently.

Recently I have found people who accept and love me like never before. I have found a new appreciation for myself. I have found a certain happiness that has been missing for years. I am still fighting my brain but I am winning. I know myself alot better.

I have found a description of me that I love and it was just said as a passing comment by a friend but I am keeping hold of it. I am happy to say I am as Cute As Sin.

 

Response- Well you went quite far on your voyage of self discovery and love but there’s still a long way to go yet. You have realised that there are many places you fit in and can be accepted. You have been happy.  You have stopped fighting against your brain and started to work with it. You are still getting to know yourself but you are getting there.

The people who love and appreciate you still do only now there are more of them. You still have that appreciation for yourself and can see your good qualities. You have stopped fighting your brain as it is not the enemy and life is a lot easier.

I still love that description and I think it becomes more fitting every day.

Lots of love future you

 

Hypomania, I thought I would start on a high.

I hate my hypomania but I wouldn’t change it. It’s a big part of the way I am and the way I have always been and although I am more cautious of it now I don’t try to stop it happening.

What it is for me;

  • Childlike behaviours
  • Being over active
  • Periods of excitable behaviour
  • Total happiness
  • Bliss like states
  • Aggressive, irritable states
  • A huge increase in my confidence
  • Insomnia
  • Ridiculously talkative
  • Mind like a kaleidoscope full of ideas moving and blending together but struggling to keep track of a singular one
  • More energy than usual
  • Lack of fear or care for safety
  • Restlessness
  • No concentration
  • Need to be around people
  • Risky behaviour
  • Hyper-sexuality
  • Sharper more irritable senses.

Now most of these things I would quite like to do without so I tried the meds suggested to me for mood stabilizing and they worked my mood was stable. There was no mania. I felt nothing. I tried a few different options at a few different strengths. I still felt nothing. I missed the extreme happiness. I missed my creativity. I missed being excitable and childlike. I realised that without the mania things were very dull, I didn’t feel like myself, I was definitely missing bits of myself. I couldn’t take joy in many of the things I used to love. So I came off the meds. I am trying to find ways to deal with the manic spells. I am working on finding ways to stop the kaleidoscope turning and settle my mind on one thing. I find myself about in control of my aggression having found outlets for it.

All of the hard work I have put into dealing with it is worth it when I have a day where I can find happiness in the simple things around me, when I have childlike wonder, and feel a complete bliss like state.

learning to walk

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So as with when I start anything I have no idea what to do here or how this works but I am going to jump in and work it out as I go along. So basically here I am learning to walk. Which is how I feel in life most the time which is kind of why I am here.

I recently found out my life was going to be turned upside down and I was going to have to spend long periods of time in hospital and quite possibly still die much earlier than I planned and here was me still feeling I didn’t know anything, I had nothing to show for my time here, I hadn’t done enough, learnt enough and had wasted too much time. I then found out that I was going to be ok no lengthy hospital visits and no early death. I was ecstatic as you can imagine but it has kicked my ass into gear and made me realise I need to stop wasting so much time. I spoke to my psychiatrist about this and she made several comments one was she doesn’t think I waste my time when I tell her what I have been up to she thinks its lots and maybe I just need to keep a better record of it, so once a week I will write here what I have accomplished.

I will also share random thoughts and things I have learnt, things that are important to me, my art occasionally, photography, modelling and the blog posts I right for a mental health blog. It doesn’t matter if no one ever reads this or if a million people do. I wonder what it will show after a year or even a month for that matter. I wonder if I will remember to keep it up. I wonder if I will accomplish something weekly.

So here’s to life, living it the best I can and learning to walk.