I hate waiting

Patience was never a virtue I possessed I wanted everything now. I have tried to change this about my self but I couldn’t. So I learnt to live with it.

Today I can’t. I have to wait a week for hospital results. I know there is nothing that can be done about this and I appreciate that the hospital are being as quick as they can. I appreciate everything all the medical professionals I have seen in the last 12 months have done for me. I appreciate the support I have had from my friends and family.

Yesterday I had a bone marrow biopsy. Yes it hurt. Yes it still aches. No this isn’t the problem except for making it hard to forget about it. I will find out in a week if I am cancer free and if I have enough functional bone marrow to survive. If not I will have to have more chemo and a bone marrow transplant. I am terrified I don’t know if I could handle more bad news, the last year has been so hard. I want to get on with my life now I am fed up with being ill.

The stress of waiting is stopping me thinking about anything else and I can tell it is really starting to affect my bipolar. I have been relatively well mentally as of late but I can feel that changing. My mind is going at a million miles an hour about all the things the results could turn up. It’s been a day and I am already not functioning properly after a day I am going to be such a mess in a week.

I know I have wonderful people in my life to support me but I feel I am taking more than my fair share right now and not giving them much back. I love them so much and I hope for all of them I can get back to normal soon.

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As if this wasn’t hard enough

There’s something a few people know and it really is only a few. It’s something that has been hard for me to tell anyone and even harder for me to deal with. I have a blood disorder aplastic anemia and it has entirely changed my life.

I found out on top of it I had Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which needed to be treated with chemotherapy, which would be extra difficult with my condition as both lower the amount of blood cells and platelets you have. I am now finished with the chemo, fingers crossed one test left. It has been a rough journey but lots of wonderful people have helped me along the way. I have wonderful friends, family and partners. I have met some great medical professionals, I honestly think they couldn’t have been better especially the poor nurse I emptied my stomach on during my first session.

So today the hardest part of it all happened someone close to me who I really care about, one of the few people I trusted to tell. Accused me of lying because I still have hair. I don’t still have all of my hair I shaved bits of it as they were the patches that were falling out, I cut it short and what’s left of it is much thinner but yes I am lucky to have some left. I am lucky that my wonderful doctor picked a chemo drug for me that doesn’t make all your hair fall out. I am lucky that I am still alive thanks to the wonderful doctors but I didn’t need this attitude it has broken my heart more than a little. So to anyone who thinks I would make a thing like this up I am adding a link to the drug I was being given where is specifically says you are unlikely to lose all your hair. Also fuck you.

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Chemotherapy/Individualdrugs/Vinblastine.aspx