The dreams

They come and go in bursts with memories I don’t want to think about. I can’t go more than a few days without them or sometimes a few hours. I can cope with waking up in a cold sweat, shaking and crying once every 3 days. I can survive on the little amount of sleep I get then.

Sadly normally they visit nightly they tear my brain apart images, noises even that smell flooding my mind. Sometimes I just wake up and lie there quietly I hate to disturb anyone else. Sometimes they keep me stuck and make me see more. This morning was one of those times. Stuck watching my worst moments screaming in my head but unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like it went on forever turns out it was only half an hour. I was awoken by my cat I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be whacked by her paw.

At the minute I have been having trauma counselling and it’s resulted in not being able to fall asleep without them even if I only doze for a few minutes. It’s been 2 weeks with less than an hours sleep a night. I am surprised I can type. I have a head ache constantly screaming at me to nap but I am too scared and even when I give in and try I only get a short burst before I am awake and shaking feeling worse than I did before sleep.

I am trying so hard to not let it affect my relationships. I have pushed my beautiful boyfriend away because of it far too many times in our just blossoming relationship and he is taking it so well, such an amazing person and I still have to push. I know he won’t hurt me yet at times I can’t stand his touch.

My wonderful husband tries so hard to look after me but there’s nothing he can do and I have watched my pain break his heart for the 11 years he’s been in my life. He’s the most fantastic person and I can just about let him touch me now when times are bad. He’s so used to my weirdness he just waits for me to come to him for affection. I hate not being complete enough to just be normal with my affections, I despise being this broken.

I am on my way to fixing these problems I hope but right now the therapy is just making it worse. So this is just a random outburst from me because I would rather be sleeping.

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One response to “The dreams

  1. Really sorry to hear that you are having these horrible flashbacks and dreams.

    They sound to me like lucid nightmares… Which in my experience are totally shattering and horrifying experiences!
    I hope the therapy starts to help soon. Therapy forced me to bring something I had learned to force down and repress to cope with back up to the surface so i could face it head on and move through it a better way. It was awful in the beginning.. it sapped every bit of strength,, emotional and physical I had, and it was horrible having to face the things I had locked away. But ultimately it helped me to move past it in a better way with far fewer flashbacks or breakdowns.

    So i hope it can do this for you also!

    I had this exercise of writing it all down on paper, and then watching it burn. I found it very therapeutic. Like it was cleansing away my bad feelings.

    Anyway. Sorry >.< I kind of rambled there.
    I hope you start to feel better soon! Sounds like you have an awesome support betwork around you and that is key to getting past it xxx

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