The dreams

They come and go in bursts with memories I don’t want to think about. I can’t go more than a few days without them or sometimes a few hours. I can cope with waking up in a cold sweat, shaking and crying once every 3 days. I can survive on the little amount of sleep I get then.

Sadly normally they visit nightly they tear my brain apart images, noises even that smell flooding my mind. Sometimes I just wake up and lie there quietly I hate to disturb anyone else. Sometimes they keep me stuck and make me see more. This morning was one of those times. Stuck watching my worst moments screaming in my head but unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like it went on forever turns out it was only half an hour. I was awoken by my cat I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be whacked by her paw.

At the minute I have been having trauma counselling and it’s resulted in not being able to fall asleep without them even if I only doze for a few minutes. It’s been 2 weeks with less than an hours sleep a night. I am surprised I can type. I have a head ache constantly screaming at me to nap but I am too scared and even when I give in and try I only get a short burst before I am awake and shaking feeling worse than I did before sleep.

I am trying so hard to not let it affect my relationships. I have pushed my beautiful boyfriend away because of it far too many times in our just blossoming relationship and he is taking it so well, such an amazing person and I still have to push. I know he won’t hurt me yet at times I can’t stand his touch.

My wonderful husband tries so hard to look after me but there’s nothing he can do and I have watched my pain break his heart for the 11 years he’s been in my life. He’s the most fantastic person and I can just about let him touch me now when times are bad. He’s so used to my weirdness he just waits for me to come to him for affection. I hate not being complete enough to just be normal with my affections, I despise being this broken.

I am on my way to fixing these problems I hope but right now the therapy is just making it worse. So this is just a random outburst from me because I would rather be sleeping.

Far too close

Life seems so good right now its hard to think that a few weeks ago I came so close to ending it. I live with the knowledge one day I might not be so lucky. My bipolar isn’t my only issue and everything combined is a lot for a brain to deal with. I am returning this week to trauma counselling and seeing what else can be done about my stupid head. I think the first step at the minute is getting out how things felt.

The steady build up of pressure with one problem after another cased massive anxiety issues. I felt like a burden on everyone around me as I spiralled further down. I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t stand the way people were looking at me, I didn’t want their pity. I knew I was hurting those I loved. I made everyone leave me alone to the point of even asking my husband to not be in our home.

I sat alone and drank. I cried while drinking spirits straight from the bottle. I thought about how much easier things would be for everyone if I wasn’t here. I made the decision to make their lives better. I didn’t want to deal with life anymore anyway. I pulled out the pill drawer from the cabinet and grabbed my scalpel set. I knew my son wouldn’t be home for a couple of days so there was no chance of him finding me.

I sat down feeling calm for the first time in a long while. I started taking the painkillers from the drawer one strip first popping a couple out of the packet, swallowing with alcohol then popping another couple, same again. Then my phone went off a text from a friend asking how I was. I suddenly realised that there are people who might like me as I am and won’t be better off without me. I put everything back. I text my husband begging him to come home. I curled up in the corner of the couch and sobbed. He found me like that, sat down and hugged me.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to pull myself together. I am scared that one day my illness may win but I am so happy that it wasn’t that day.

Hello world I am glad to see you.

No way out

There’s no way out because I am well aware the problem is in my head. It is never going to go away. It might never get any easier than it is right now.

I can see exactly why people take their own lives sitting here in this moment.

My head hurts, it’s spinning my world is a mess. I don’t know how to talk to anyone. No one understands. So I sit here with my cat. My husband and my son are already sleeping and I love them so much, I know exactly how blessed I am to have them. I can’t help thinking they would be so much better off without me though. I am completely insane, my bipolar is causing so much strain on my life and my relationships recently. None of my usual coping mechanisms are doing anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am sat here crying in possibly the worst state I have been in years and I have been telling everyone all day that everything is fine. It’s not everything is far from fine. Why couldn’t I say that to my friends? To my husband? To my mum? Why do I have to feel like this? Will it always be this way? Will I live with this feeling into old age?

That is if I make it to old age. I found out today there is a problem with my blood test results and I need to go back to the haematology specialist on wednesday so my treatment may be failing already or my cancer may not have gone away as was thought before or a million and one other things.

I am rambling on my blog just to be doing something because I might scream otherwise at best and at worst I have no idea what I could do. I need to sleep but there is no way that will happen.

I know I am lucky but right now life doesn’t seem worth living.

O Captain, My Captain, Suicide It’s time to talk

Today the topic of suicide has been talked about more than any other day I can remember. This is because a great comedy genius has (most likely) taken his own life. I want to start this by saying I am rarely upset by the passing of famous people but today I cried (partly because if you have been reading lately I am a little depressed) because a man whose wonderful comedy and heart felt dramas helped me through some of my darkest moments is gone most likely due to the same illness I struggle with daily and because no one seems to mention the other over a million people in the world who have taken their life in the last year (http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-statistics.html). That is someone choosing death over life every 40 seconds, it’s 1.8% of deaths worldwide and its an increase of 60% in 45 years.

So to Robin Williams you were on my list of people who I thought had used their mania to do beautiful things (something I was made to write during therapy), you made people smile and cry, you brought up issues some people would never have thought about and raised a beautiful daughter ( a big deal to me dealing with bipolar and a 10 year old). I am saddened that you couldn’t get the help you needed and find peace. You will be remembered by millions.

While we are talking about suicide and mental illness though what about the other millions lets have a moment for them, many of them weren’t famous and went basically unnoticed by the world on a grand scale but their lives were surely worth every bit as much. I am saddened by their passing too, several on a very personal level. There are people I miss everyday because their illnesses won. I was so very nearly one of them having attempted suicide on more than one occasion but I am so lucky I have good friends and a high tolerance to pills it would seem. I am so glad I didn’t become part of these statistics but I am aware that one day I could easily do so.

On that note I really hope some good comes of all this talking, I hope people become more understanding because I have heard some awful things today.

“Having no sympathy for suicide because it is selfish” I think is the worst I have seen from the absolute fucking delight that is Alan Brazil. This shows a complete lack of respect and understanding of people with depression, it insults the deceased and causes more harm to those suffering. I know for a fact that when people say things like this it makes people who have attempted it at some point feel guilty which is the last thing we need. If you have never suffered from a genuinely debilitating mental illness you really have no idea how tough it is to live with and how much you know you are putting those around you through, you don’t know the feeling that absolutely nothing will improve and that you only make their lives worse you don’t realise that many people do it for those they love because they feel they would be better off without you.

I have also heard that suicide is a bit over the top because everyone has hard times and gets over it. Depression is not having a hard time. Stop dismissing genuine sufferers of depression you wouldn’t dismiss how hard having cancer is to deal with, how much it takes over your life or how it affects those around someone.

“He was rich how could he be depressed” well this one is just ridiculous are there people out there who still haven’t realised that mental illnesses are ILLNESSES and illnesses do not pick who will have them based on what people own that is 100% not how illness works.

Now moving forward I would really recommend that everyone who reads this also pops over to http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html and takes note of the warning signs of suicidal people because apparently 75% of people who commit suicide show some of these warning signs so knowing them could seriously save lives. Maybe share the page around and save some lives or at least improve understanding.

Thanks people.

Lost

I should be happy. Life is pretty good. I recently found out I am not going to die from my blood disease. I have a beautiful husband and child. I just had an awesome weekend in beautiful places with my husband and sister, who also rocks.

None of it seems to matter my head hurts, I am bored, my life lacks direction, I don’t know what to do so I lack the motivation to do anything. I feel so lost. I can’t even find myself in my own head. My thoughts are spinning faster than I can keep track of yet I am depressed this is not how it usually works. I don’t know what to do with these feelings but I know I need to do something. I wonder what I should do with my life, where I should go from here.

I wonder if I will ever be able to go a week without questioning myself. I am so much better than I used to be but I have so far to go. I know I will never think quite like most people do but I am ok with that I don’t really want to be normal. I think I just want to be doing something………but what?

You obviously don’t have bipolar you get along fine without meds

So this infuriated me a little, maybe more than a little, maybe a hell of a lot more than a little.

Today when talking to a relative I was told I obviously don’t really have bipolar because I get by ok without the meds. She didn’t mean this is a crappy way I am sure. She is just under the impression that everyone with bipolar must be medicated. She thinks they must be wrong about what is wrong with me. Maybe they are maybe I have been misdiagnosed I can’t really tell you that.

What I can tell you is I struggle almost everyday, maybe 1 in 5 days I won’t be confronted with a problem relating to my bipolar and that is a massive improvement on where I used to be when it controlled my every waking and sleeping moment. It dictates my sleeping pattern, whether or not I can work, if I can think straight, if I am capable of making a decision, if my skin crawls and I want to peel it off one strip at a time. I do not simply get by I struggle I fight with my own mind. I have found out what helps and what makes things worse. I am so much better than I was and am so proud of myself but I definitely am not getting by ok I am just coping because this is the only life I have so sometimes coping is just what I have to do.

I hate waiting

Patience was never a virtue I possessed I wanted everything now. I have tried to change this about my self but I couldn’t. So I learnt to live with it.

Today I can’t. I have to wait a week for hospital results. I know there is nothing that can be done about this and I appreciate that the hospital are being as quick as they can. I appreciate everything all the medical professionals I have seen in the last 12 months have done for me. I appreciate the support I have had from my friends and family.

Yesterday I had a bone marrow biopsy. Yes it hurt. Yes it still aches. No this isn’t the problem except for making it hard to forget about it. I will find out in a week if I am cancer free and if I have enough functional bone marrow to survive. If not I will have to have more chemo and a bone marrow transplant. I am terrified I don’t know if I could handle more bad news, the last year has been so hard. I want to get on with my life now I am fed up with being ill.

The stress of waiting is stopping me thinking about anything else and I can tell it is really starting to affect my bipolar. I have been relatively well mentally as of late but I can feel that changing. My mind is going at a million miles an hour about all the things the results could turn up. It’s been a day and I am already not functioning properly after a day I am going to be such a mess in a week.

I know I have wonderful people in my life to support me but I feel I am taking more than my fair share right now and not giving them much back. I love them so much and I hope for all of them I can get back to normal soon.