On Friday I found out I might have to have more chemotherapy.
I was really secretive about it the first time round and most people didn’t know until the end of the treatment. I hated it I felt really alone but I didn’t want to let it interfere with my whole life so I kept it a secret. I tried to pretend everything was ok and I failed I was pushing myself too hard. The whole time was awful.
As you can imagine I don’t want to go through that again. I find out in two weeks what my test results are and what will be happening. I am scared. I have told more people about this than last time but I still feel alone. I am currently sat at home driving myself insane thinking about everything but at least I have my cat (I have lots of other beautiful people in my life but she’s the only one here).
I am planning for the worst. If my results are bad they will want me to start chemo on the 20th of December possibly and I will not be doing that. I have told my husband this. The 20th is Yule and I don’t want to ruin it. I also don’t fancy being sick other Christmas with a ten year old child. This is my first Yule/Christmas with my new slightly bigger family set up and I want to enjoy it as I don’t know when I will next be ok to plan anything.
I am going to spend the next month concentrating on making myself as healthy as possible for the coming treatment. I am looking for spiritual guidance in this so will be contacting a few people about alternative therapies etc.
I am also going to try and fit lots into the next month. I am not going to bury my head in the sand.
I am going to need lots of hugs though and probably a lot of coffee.
I should be happy. Life is pretty good. I recently found out I am not going to die from my blood disease. I have a beautiful husband and child. I just had an awesome weekend in beautiful places with my husband and sister, who also rocks.
None of it seems to matter my head hurts, I am bored, my life lacks direction, I don’t know what to do so I lack the motivation to do anything. I feel so lost. I can’t even find myself in my own head. My thoughts are spinning faster than I can keep track of yet I am depressed this is not how it usually works. I don’t know what to do with these feelings but I know I need to do something. I wonder what I should do with my life, where I should go from here.
I wonder if I will ever be able to go a week without questioning myself. I am so much better than I used to be but I have so far to go. I know I will never think quite like most people do but I am ok with that I don’t really want to be normal. I think I just want to be doing something………but what?
2-Have a candle lit bath
3-Go somewhere green
4-Ring a good friend
6-Dance to some of my favourite music
7-Write a list of ten things I am grateful for
8-Watch one of my favourite films
9-Take a nap
10-Write my feelings down
12-Look at photographs
15-Do something spiritual
*sex is fun π
*sex is good for your health π
*I like kissing π
*I do not love monogamously π
*I like persons π
*I like making sexual connections with people π
*it feels free π
*I am in control of who touches my body π
*extra cuddles π
*sex is proven to be good for your skin
*sex is great exercise π
*sex helps with depression
*I get different things sexually from different people π
*I like cock and cunt π
*I don’t like feeling tied down, unless well I am actually tied down π
*I like showing off my butt π
*I get to know things about people I wouldn’t otherwise π
*seeing lots of beautiful people naked π
*intimacy feels nice π
*it makes me happy π
*I make others happy and feel good π
*I like being playful π
*learning more about my sexual desires π
*extra love π
*being touched is fun π
*flirting is fun π
*I believe monogamy isn’t the norm for primates π
*I was taught to share
*I don’t need control over my partner π
*I like variety π
*for spiritual advancement
*to challenge society
*because I have a strong sexual appetite π
*more caring supportive people in your life π
*group sex rocks π
*feels natural π
*I believe in love π
*being sex positive π
*it pisses prudes off ¥
*practice makes perfect
*try new things π
*boost self esteem ¥
*because boobs ππππππ
*peer pressure ¥
*increase immune system
*improve sexual technique π
*daddy issues ¥
*male approval ¥
*cash gains ¥
*sexual addiction ¥
*people smell nice π
I will mark ones I think describe the type of slut I don’t want to be with ¥
Ones I think are good reasons with π
There’s something a few people know and it really is only a few. It’s something that has been hard for me to tell anyone and even harder for me to deal with. I have a blood disorder aplastic anemia and it has entirely changed my life.
I found out on top of it I had Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which needed to be treated with chemotherapy, which would be extra difficult with my condition as both lower the amount of blood cells and platelets you have. I am now finished with the chemo, fingers crossed one test left. It has been a rough journey but lots of wonderful people have helped me along the way. I have wonderful friends, family and partners. I have met some great medical professionals, I honestly think they couldn’t have been better especially the poor nurse I emptied my stomach on during my first session.
So today the hardest part of it all happened someone close to me who I really care about, one of the few people I trusted to tell. Accused me of lying because I still have hair. I don’t still have all of my hair I shaved bits of it as they were the patches that were falling out, I cut it short and what’s left of it is much thinner but yes I am lucky to have some left. I am lucky that my wonderful doctor picked a chemo drug for me that doesn’t make all your hair fall out. I am lucky that I am still alive thanks to the wonderful doctors but I didn’t need this attitude it has broken my heart more than a little. So to anyone who thinks I would make a thing like this up I am adding a link to the drug I was being given where is specifically says you are unlikely to lose all your hair. Also fuck you.
Facts about me that may or may not be of interest to people who read my blog but may help it make more sense when I write from now on.
1. I am Belisana, I am a genderqueer, pan sexual, pagan, mother, feminist, polyamorous, bipolar, kinky, switchy, cat, alternative, photographer, model…….
2. I have one child, a boy of 10 who will be called monkey from this point on
3. I am married to a wonderful man, have been for 8 years and together for a couple more than that, now known as H
4. I have a lovely boyfriend of just 2 1/2 months, now known as bf
5. I have a relationship forming with a wonderful woman but I am not sure where it is going, now known as bob
6. I write because I like to and I don’t mind if no one or everyone reads it
7. I am active on the local kink scene
8. I have a beautiful chosen sister, now known as tink.
9. I love my cat ivy more than I apparently should
10. I love my friends and have lots of them
11. I am having extensive medical treatment, no I don’t want to talk about it
12. I love to party
13. I live very much for the moment
14. I would love to change the world
15. I can think of nothing worse than being normal
16. This is my seal of approval so don’t worry I don’t need anyone else’s
Poly question time again. This one was worded rather offensively but I shall answer it anyway.
Do you not worry about STI’s?
Simple answer yes.
I worry about sexual diseases a lot. I always have. I deal with it in sensible mature ways though. Being poly has not really changed how I deal with my sexual health. I have always had safer sex not necessarily completely 100% risk free as that is basically impossible but as close as I could get. I have always been reasonably highly active sexually so I know I am at a higher risk in general.
Poly wise we deal with the possibility STI’s in my marriage by having firm rules on what is and isn’t allowed with other partners. We don’t allow penetrative sex with others in general without condoms and if one of us has been active with others (yes it’s usually me) we get tested regularly. These rules do not apply with a current partner he has been tested, is only currently active with me and so things are allowed that wouldn’t otherwise be, if he becomes active with others this will change.
So yes I worry about STI’s and I deal with it like everything else I worry about in life.