The dreams

They come and go in bursts with memories I don’t want to think about. I can’t go more than a few days without them or sometimes a few hours. I can cope with waking up in a cold sweat, shaking and crying once every 3 days. I can survive on the little amount of sleep I get then.

Sadly normally they visit nightly they tear my brain apart images, noises even that smell flooding my mind. Sometimes I just wake up and lie there quietly I hate to disturb anyone else. Sometimes they keep me stuck and make me see more. This morning was one of those times. Stuck watching my worst moments screaming in my head but unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like it went on forever turns out it was only half an hour. I was awoken by my cat I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be whacked by her paw.

At the minute I have been having trauma counselling and it’s resulted in not being able to fall asleep without them even if I only doze for a few minutes. It’s been 2 weeks with less than an hours sleep a night. I am surprised I can type. I have a head ache constantly screaming at me to nap but I am too scared and even when I give in and try I only get a short burst before I am awake and shaking feeling worse than I did before sleep.

I am trying so hard to not let it affect my relationships. I have pushed my beautiful boyfriend away because of it far too many times in our just blossoming relationship and he is taking it so well, such an amazing person and I still have to push. I know he won’t hurt me yet at times I can’t stand his touch.

My wonderful husband tries so hard to look after me but there’s nothing he can do and I have watched my pain break his heart for the 11 years he’s been in my life. He’s the most fantastic person and I can just about let him touch me now when times are bad. He’s so used to my weirdness he just waits for me to come to him for affection. I hate not being complete enough to just be normal with my affections, I despise being this broken.

I am on my way to fixing these problems I hope but right now the therapy is just making it worse. So this is just a random outburst from me because I would rather be sleeping.

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Dear judgemental fuckwit

In the early hours of this morning a comment was left on my blog. My brain shouted yay people are reading my blog, this makes me happy. It was a nice happy post about polyamory and me. Whoop joy all round.

So I cheerfully pressed to read the comment. Here is what it said “I can fully understand why you would want to sleep with other people but you could at least have the decency to be quiet about it and save your husbands dignity.”

Well it is lovely of you to be so understanding and thinking of my husbands dignity but I can not be quiet about it, I am as a matter of fact rather vocal in the bedroom. It’s ok though my husband is rarely around when I am having sex with others so doesn’t usually hear it. On the odd occasions when he has though there is this little thing called compersion.

Compersion is A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

This is a feeling my wonderful husband is more than capable of. He loves it when I am happy even when it is because someone else is pleasuring me. I much prefer it if all my partners feel like this, not doing has caused problems in the past.

Now I am actually well aware this is probably not what you meant. You are obviously of the affairs are ok but let’s not talk about it camp. Well I am most certainly not. My husband and I live in what we would think is a dignified relationship due it having complete and total honesty. To be honest though I don’t spend much time worrying about dignity as proven my your message whatever I do someone will think it’s undignified.

I shall just carry in living my open and honest life full of love thank you. Lies and hiding who I am don’t really work for me. Thanks for your advice though.

Far too close

Life seems so good right now its hard to think that a few weeks ago I came so close to ending it. I live with the knowledge one day I might not be so lucky. My bipolar isn’t my only issue and everything combined is a lot for a brain to deal with. I am returning this week to trauma counselling and seeing what else can be done about my stupid head. I think the first step at the minute is getting out how things felt.

The steady build up of pressure with one problem after another cased massive anxiety issues. I felt like a burden on everyone around me as I spiralled further down. I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t stand the way people were looking at me, I didn’t want their pity. I knew I was hurting those I loved. I made everyone leave me alone to the point of even asking my husband to not be in our home.

I sat alone and drank. I cried while drinking spirits straight from the bottle. I thought about how much easier things would be for everyone if I wasn’t here. I made the decision to make their lives better. I didn’t want to deal with life anymore anyway. I pulled out the pill drawer from the cabinet and grabbed my scalpel set. I knew my son wouldn’t be home for a couple of days so there was no chance of him finding me.

I sat down feeling calm for the first time in a long while. I started taking the painkillers from the drawer one strip first popping a couple out of the packet, swallowing with alcohol then popping another couple, same again. Then my phone went off a text from a friend asking how I was. I suddenly realised that there are people who might like me as I am and won’t be better off without me. I put everything back. I text my husband begging him to come home. I curled up in the corner of the couch and sobbed. He found me like that, sat down and hugged me.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to pull myself together. I am scared that one day my illness may win but I am so happy that it wasn’t that day.

Hello world I am glad to see you.