The dreams

They come and go in bursts with memories I don’t want to think about. I can’t go more than a few days without them or sometimes a few hours. I can cope with waking up in a cold sweat, shaking and crying once every 3 days. I can survive on the little amount of sleep I get then.

Sadly normally they visit nightly they tear my brain apart images, noises even that smell flooding my mind. Sometimes I just wake up and lie there quietly I hate to disturb anyone else. Sometimes they keep me stuck and make me see more. This morning was one of those times. Stuck watching my worst moments screaming in my head but unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like it went on forever turns out it was only half an hour. I was awoken by my cat I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be whacked by her paw.

At the minute I have been having trauma counselling and it’s resulted in not being able to fall asleep without them even if I only doze for a few minutes. It’s been 2 weeks with less than an hours sleep a night. I am surprised I can type. I have a head ache constantly screaming at me to nap but I am too scared and even when I give in and try I only get a short burst before I am awake and shaking feeling worse than I did before sleep.

I am trying so hard to not let it affect my relationships. I have pushed my beautiful boyfriend away because of it far too many times in our just blossoming relationship and he is taking it so well, such an amazing person and I still have to push. I know he won’t hurt me yet at times I can’t stand his touch.

My wonderful husband tries so hard to look after me but there’s nothing he can do and I have watched my pain break his heart for the 11 years he’s been in my life. He’s the most fantastic person and I can just about let him touch me now when times are bad. He’s so used to my weirdness he just waits for me to come to him for affection. I hate not being complete enough to just be normal with my affections, I despise being this broken.

I am on my way to fixing these problems I hope but right now the therapy is just making it worse. So this is just a random outburst from me because I would rather be sleeping.

You obviously don’t have bipolar you get along fine without meds

So this infuriated me a little, maybe more than a little, maybe a hell of a lot more than a little.

Today when talking to a relative I was told I obviously don’t really have bipolar because I get by ok without the meds. She didn’t mean this is a crappy way I am sure. She is just under the impression that everyone with bipolar must be medicated. She thinks they must be wrong about what is wrong with me. Maybe they are maybe I have been misdiagnosed I can’t really tell you that.

What I can tell you is I struggle almost everyday, maybe 1 in 5 days I won’t be confronted with a problem relating to my bipolar and that is a massive improvement on where I used to be when it controlled my every waking and sleeping moment. It dictates my sleeping pattern, whether or not I can work, if I can think straight, if I am capable of making a decision, if my skin crawls and I want to peel it off one strip at a time. I do not simply get by I struggle I fight with my own mind. I have found out what helps and what makes things worse. I am so much better than I was and am so proud of myself but I definitely am not getting by ok I am just coping because this is the only life I have so sometimes coping is just what I have to do.