Far too close

Life seems so good right now its hard to think that a few weeks ago I came so close to ending it. I live with the knowledge one day I might not be so lucky. My bipolar isn’t my only issue and everything combined is a lot for a brain to deal with. I am returning this week to trauma counselling and seeing what else can be done about my stupid head. I think the first step at the minute is getting out how things felt.

The steady build up of pressure with one problem after another cased massive anxiety issues. I felt like a burden on everyone around me as I spiralled further down. I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t stand the way people were looking at me, I didn’t want their pity. I knew I was hurting those I loved. I made everyone leave me alone to the point of even asking my husband to not be in our home.

I sat alone and drank. I cried while drinking spirits straight from the bottle. I thought about how much easier things would be for everyone if I wasn’t here. I made the decision to make their lives better. I didn’t want to deal with life anymore anyway. I pulled out the pill drawer from the cabinet and grabbed my scalpel set. I knew my son wouldn’t be home for a couple of days so there was no chance of him finding me.

I sat down feeling calm for the first time in a long while. I started taking the painkillers from the drawer one strip first popping a couple out of the packet, swallowing with alcohol then popping another couple, same again. Then my phone went off a text from a friend asking how I was. I suddenly realised that there are people who might like me as I am and won’t be better off without me. I put everything back. I text my husband begging him to come home. I curled up in the corner of the couch and sobbed. He found me like that, sat down and hugged me.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to pull myself together. I am scared that one day my illness may win but I am so happy that it wasn’t that day.

Hello world I am glad to see you.

No way out

There’s no way out because I am well aware the problem is in my head. It is never going to go away. It might never get any easier than it is right now.

I can see exactly why people take their own lives sitting here in this moment.

My head hurts, it’s spinning my world is a mess. I don’t know how to talk to anyone. No one understands. So I sit here with my cat. My husband and my son are already sleeping and I love them so much, I know exactly how blessed I am to have them. I can’t help thinking they would be so much better off without me though. I am completely insane, my bipolar is causing so much strain on my life and my relationships recently. None of my usual coping mechanisms are doing anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am sat here crying in possibly the worst state I have been in years and I have been telling everyone all day that everything is fine. It’s not everything is far from fine. Why couldn’t I say that to my friends? To my husband? To my mum? Why do I have to feel like this? Will it always be this way? Will I live with this feeling into old age?

That is if I make it to old age. I found out today there is a problem with my blood test results and I need to go back to the haematology specialist on wednesday so my treatment may be failing already or my cancer may not have gone away as was thought before or a million and one other things.

I am rambling on my blog just to be doing something because I might scream otherwise at best and at worst I have no idea what I could do. I need to sleep but there is no way that will happen.

I know I am lucky but right now life doesn’t seem worth living.

O Captain, My Captain, Suicide It’s time to talk

Today the topic of suicide has been talked about more than any other day I can remember. This is because a great comedy genius has (most likely) taken his own life. I want to start this by saying I am rarely upset by the passing of famous people but today I cried (partly because if you have been reading lately I am a little depressed) because a man whose wonderful comedy and heart felt dramas helped me through some of my darkest moments is gone most likely due to the same illness I struggle with daily and because no one seems to mention the other over a million people in the world who have taken their life in the last year (http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-statistics.html). That is someone choosing death over life every 40 seconds, it’s 1.8% of deaths worldwide and its an increase of 60% in 45 years.

So to Robin Williams you were on my list of people who I thought had used their mania to do beautiful things (something I was made to write during therapy), you made people smile and cry, you brought up issues some people would never have thought about and raised a beautiful daughter ( a big deal to me dealing with bipolar and a 10 year old). I am saddened that you couldn’t get the help you needed and find peace. You will be remembered by millions.

While we are talking about suicide and mental illness though what about the other millions lets have a moment for them, many of them weren’t famous and went basically unnoticed by the world on a grand scale but their lives were surely worth every bit as much. I am saddened by their passing too, several on a very personal level. There are people I miss everyday because their illnesses won. I was so very nearly one of them having attempted suicide on more than one occasion but I am so lucky I have good friends and a high tolerance to pills it would seem. I am so glad I didn’t become part of these statistics but I am aware that one day I could easily do so.

On that note I really hope some good comes of all this talking, I hope people become more understanding because I have heard some awful things today.

“Having no sympathy for suicide because it is selfish” I think is the worst I have seen from the absolute fucking delight that is Alan Brazil. This shows a complete lack of respect and understanding of people with depression, it insults the deceased and causes more harm to those suffering. I know for a fact that when people say things like this it makes people who have attempted it at some point feel guilty which is the last thing we need. If you have never suffered from a genuinely debilitating mental illness you really have no idea how tough it is to live with and how much you know you are putting those around you through, you don’t know the feeling that absolutely nothing will improve and that you only make their lives worse you don’t realise that many people do it for those they love because they feel they would be better off without you.

I have also heard that suicide is a bit over the top because everyone has hard times and gets over it. Depression is not having a hard time. Stop dismissing genuine sufferers of depression you wouldn’t dismiss how hard having cancer is to deal with, how much it takes over your life or how it affects those around someone.

“He was rich how could he be depressed” well this one is just ridiculous are there people out there who still haven’t realised that mental illnesses are ILLNESSES and illnesses do not pick who will have them based on what people own that is 100% not how illness works.

Now moving forward I would really recommend that everyone who reads this also pops over to http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html and takes note of the warning signs of suicidal people because apparently 75% of people who commit suicide show some of these warning signs so knowing them could seriously save lives. Maybe share the page around and save some lives or at least improve understanding.

Thanks people.