The dreams

They come and go in bursts with memories I don’t want to think about. I can’t go more than a few days without them or sometimes a few hours. I can cope with waking up in a cold sweat, shaking and crying once every 3 days. I can survive on the little amount of sleep I get then.

Sadly normally they visit nightly they tear my brain apart images, noises even that smell flooding my mind. Sometimes I just wake up and lie there quietly I hate to disturb anyone else. Sometimes they keep me stuck and make me see more. This morning was one of those times. Stuck watching my worst moments screaming in my head but unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like it went on forever turns out it was only half an hour. I was awoken by my cat I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be whacked by her paw.

At the minute I have been having trauma counselling and it’s resulted in not being able to fall asleep without them even if I only doze for a few minutes. It’s been 2 weeks with less than an hours sleep a night. I am surprised I can type. I have a head ache constantly screaming at me to nap but I am too scared and even when I give in and try I only get a short burst before I am awake and shaking feeling worse than I did before sleep.

I am trying so hard to not let it affect my relationships. I have pushed my beautiful boyfriend away because of it far too many times in our just blossoming relationship and he is taking it so well, such an amazing person and I still have to push. I know he won’t hurt me yet at times I can’t stand his touch.

My wonderful husband tries so hard to look after me but there’s nothing he can do and I have watched my pain break his heart for the 11 years he’s been in my life. He’s the most fantastic person and I can just about let him touch me now when times are bad. He’s so used to my weirdness he just waits for me to come to him for affection. I hate not being complete enough to just be normal with my affections, I despise being this broken.

I am on my way to fixing these problems I hope but right now the therapy is just making it worse. So this is just a random outburst from me because I would rather be sleeping.

Far too close

Life seems so good right now its hard to think that a few weeks ago I came so close to ending it. I live with the knowledge one day I might not be so lucky. My bipolar isn’t my only issue and everything combined is a lot for a brain to deal with. I am returning this week to trauma counselling and seeing what else can be done about my stupid head. I think the first step at the minute is getting out how things felt.

The steady build up of pressure with one problem after another cased massive anxiety issues. I felt like a burden on everyone around me as I spiralled further down. I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t stand the way people were looking at me, I didn’t want their pity. I knew I was hurting those I loved. I made everyone leave me alone to the point of even asking my husband to not be in our home.

I sat alone and drank. I cried while drinking spirits straight from the bottle. I thought about how much easier things would be for everyone if I wasn’t here. I made the decision to make their lives better. I didn’t want to deal with life anymore anyway. I pulled out the pill drawer from the cabinet and grabbed my scalpel set. I knew my son wouldn’t be home for a couple of days so there was no chance of him finding me.

I sat down feeling calm for the first time in a long while. I started taking the painkillers from the drawer one strip first popping a couple out of the packet, swallowing with alcohol then popping another couple, same again. Then my phone went off a text from a friend asking how I was. I suddenly realised that there are people who might like me as I am and won’t be better off without me. I put everything back. I text my husband begging him to come home. I curled up in the corner of the couch and sobbed. He found me like that, sat down and hugged me.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to pull myself together. I am scared that one day my illness may win but I am so happy that it wasn’t that day.

Hello world I am glad to see you.

No break ups aren’t easier

So today someone suggested that my recent break up didn’t hurt me because I have other partners. This is a ridiculous statement.

Does having more than one friend make it hurt less when you lose one? Does having more than one pet make it hurt less if you lose one? What about siblings, parents etc? Why just because I am intimate with someone does that suddenly change?

You wouldn’t say to someone oh it’s ok you have another one in any other type of relationship please don’t do it to me. I may do a good job of hiding it but I am hurting. I don’t need your opinion on my relationships at the best of times even less so right now.

Having more than one partner does mean I have someone to cry to when it hurts, someone to give me a hug and comfort me but so does having a best friend. They help in a similar way. It’s distracting and helps me think things through but it doesn’t magically make it not hurt. I have still lost a huge part of my life. I am still just as upset as I would be had they been my only partner. Break ups suck even when you know it’s the right thing to do and being poly doesn’t change that it just means I am lucky to have an amazing support network.

No way out

There’s no way out because I am well aware the problem is in my head. It is never going to go away. It might never get any easier than it is right now.

I can see exactly why people take their own lives sitting here in this moment.

My head hurts, it’s spinning my world is a mess. I don’t know how to talk to anyone. No one understands. So I sit here with my cat. My husband and my son are already sleeping and I love them so much, I know exactly how blessed I am to have them. I can’t help thinking they would be so much better off without me though. I am completely insane, my bipolar is causing so much strain on my life and my relationships recently. None of my usual coping mechanisms are doing anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am sat here crying in possibly the worst state I have been in years and I have been telling everyone all day that everything is fine. It’s not everything is far from fine. Why couldn’t I say that to my friends? To my husband? To my mum? Why do I have to feel like this? Will it always be this way? Will I live with this feeling into old age?

That is if I make it to old age. I found out today there is a problem with my blood test results and I need to go back to the haematology specialist on wednesday so my treatment may be failing already or my cancer may not have gone away as was thought before or a million and one other things.

I am rambling on my blog just to be doing something because I might scream otherwise at best and at worst I have no idea what I could do. I need to sleep but there is no way that will happen.

I know I am lucky but right now life doesn’t seem worth living.

As if this wasn’t hard enough

There’s something a few people know and it really is only a few. It’s something that has been hard for me to tell anyone and even harder for me to deal with. I have a blood disorder aplastic anemia and it has entirely changed my life.

I found out on top of it I had Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which needed to be treated with chemotherapy, which would be extra difficult with my condition as both lower the amount of blood cells and platelets you have. I am now finished with the chemo, fingers crossed one test left. It has been a rough journey but lots of wonderful people have helped me along the way. I have wonderful friends, family and partners. I have met some great medical professionals, I honestly think they couldn’t have been better especially the poor nurse I emptied my stomach on during my first session.

So today the hardest part of it all happened someone close to me who I really care about, one of the few people I trusted to tell. Accused me of lying because I still have hair. I don’t still have all of my hair I shaved bits of it as they were the patches that were falling out, I cut it short and what’s left of it is much thinner but yes I am lucky to have some left. I am lucky that my wonderful doctor picked a chemo drug for me that doesn’t make all your hair fall out. I am lucky that I am still alive thanks to the wonderful doctors but I didn’t need this attitude it has broken my heart more than a little. So to anyone who thinks I would make a thing like this up I am adding a link to the drug I was being given where is specifically says you are unlikely to lose all your hair. Also fuck you.

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Chemotherapy/Individualdrugs/Vinblastine.aspx

“Not in a gay way”

How do other people feel about this phrase?

I saw a conversation on the Internets today that has royally pissed me off.

Person 1: awesomely funny joke
Person 2: dude you are so funny I love you
Person 1: cheers mate
Person 2: not in a gay way

Was this last line necessary? Was it not clear how person 2 felt about person 1? Without the phrase not in a gay way would person 1 have thought person 2 was professing their undying love? Would they have thought it was a sexual proposition or a marriage proposal? Personally I would have thought it was just a friendly expression of affection.

When I tell my sister I love her I don’t feel the need to point out its not in an incest way. I just assume she knows, I assume she infers it from the nature of our conversation and relationship.

Is it completely unacceptable for two people of the same gender to say they love each other?

Share your opinions people…..

Babies

Poly question time again. Not had a chance to post anymore answers until now.

What would happen if you got pregnant?

This is by far the most complicated question I have been asked and a very emotional topic so excuse me if I get a little wrapped up in it.

A year ago my answer to this would have been so simple, if I got pregnant I would have a baby. My beautiful family would grow. It would be generally pretty easy to work out who the father was. I only have unprotected sex with my husband. If there was a chance it was someone else’s they would be told and given a chance to be a part of its life or not. Then we would have all sat down and worked things out from there.

Things are now very different. In august I found out I have a rare blood disease (completely non contagious). I have had some very invasive treatments since, which are ongoing. The current treatments are going to drastically reduce my chance of conception (to basically nothing) which is devastating after I had a miscarriage in February due to the blood condition. I was distraught, my heart was broken and I fucked up several aspects of my life, luckily I fixed some of things I destroyed. I am still sad to say I think I have lost a wonderful person from my life due to my behaviour at that time.

So my answer to what would happen if I got pregnant? Is now very different. My partners would want me to have an abortion (because I would have to stop my treatment while pregnant, which would cause me a high chance of death) but they know me well enough to know I couldn’t do that. Statistically I would most likely miscarry. I personally would cry, hope and pray, do everything possible to fight for that little life.

Hopefully the answer to what would happen if I got pregnant now is a miracle.