Life changing

On the 12 of February. My life changed. I made a new plan. It didn’t start out as what I thought would be a good day. I wanted to hide from my problems. I had been let down by people I had held quite highly, people I thought were good people it turned out were more interested in money than morals. Its one of those facts of life that I hate but most of the world are that way. I was disappointed, downtrodden and I decided to give up, my fight was gone. I lost friends because I spoke up for what I believed in. I was even being threatened for it.

Then the better people in my life intervened. I was reminded by strangers exactly why I was standing up and being heard. People encouraging me to carry on as I was. There are things in this world that need changing and they aren’t going to be fixed by giving up. I want a world that I am proud to bring my son up in.

I refuse to be part of the problem. We all need to do a little bit to make the world better. So for my part I am protesting the things I really don’t agree with. I am standing for the rights of those who don’t have them. I have officially become carer for my nana to try and help make her life easier and brighter. I have had emma move in to my home disrupting everything but I wouldn’t change that. I am writing for a mental health organisation. I have plans to volunteer for feeding the homeless with Manchester angels (look them up they are ace). I am going to be running a therapy session for people who are abuse victims.

On top of this I realised how much I still had to fix about myself. I am still the product of what the world has done to me. I refuse to be that way. I won’t let the world grind me down to being all the things I hate. I want to leave the world having been the cause of more smiles than sadness and I guess that has to start with me too. I have a plan and the path ahead looks bright.

The journey so far hasn’t been easy but it has been full of smiles so I getting somewhere at least.

The dreams

They come and go in bursts with memories I don’t want to think about. I can’t go more than a few days without them or sometimes a few hours. I can cope with waking up in a cold sweat, shaking and crying once every 3 days. I can survive on the little amount of sleep I get then.

Sadly normally they visit nightly they tear my brain apart images, noises even that smell flooding my mind. Sometimes I just wake up and lie there quietly I hate to disturb anyone else. Sometimes they keep me stuck and make me see more. This morning was one of those times. Stuck watching my worst moments screaming in my head but unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like it went on forever turns out it was only half an hour. I was awoken by my cat I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be whacked by her paw.

At the minute I have been having trauma counselling and it’s resulted in not being able to fall asleep without them even if I only doze for a few minutes. It’s been 2 weeks with less than an hours sleep a night. I am surprised I can type. I have a head ache constantly screaming at me to nap but I am too scared and even when I give in and try I only get a short burst before I am awake and shaking feeling worse than I did before sleep.

I am trying so hard to not let it affect my relationships. I have pushed my beautiful boyfriend away because of it far too many times in our just blossoming relationship and he is taking it so well, such an amazing person and I still have to push. I know he won’t hurt me yet at times I can’t stand his touch.

My wonderful husband tries so hard to look after me but there’s nothing he can do and I have watched my pain break his heart for the 11 years he’s been in my life. He’s the most fantastic person and I can just about let him touch me now when times are bad. He’s so used to my weirdness he just waits for me to come to him for affection. I hate not being complete enough to just be normal with my affections, I despise being this broken.

I am on my way to fixing these problems I hope but right now the therapy is just making it worse. So this is just a random outburst from me because I would rather be sleeping.

Hypersexuality, Sexual Addiction and Bipolar

I am not sure at all how to start this piece. I wasn’t told about hypersexuality with my original list of things bi polar can cause because I was too young for anyone to want to talk to me about it. This meant that when I first started having sexual relationships I thought my behaviour was normal. It was at least 10 years before I found out this wasn’t the case. I changed psychiatrists and we talked about sex, something no other therapist had done.

My new psychiatrist told me that lots of things pointed towards the fact I at times had both types of sexual dysfunction common with bi polar sufferers. Sometimes I am incapable of arousal and sometimes I am hypersexual. My patterns of sexual behaviour were linked to my mental illness, how could I have not seen it? Why had no one told me? What did it mean? What could I do? I had so many questions. We started working through them. This is my journey a question at a time.

How could I not have seen it?

I don’t know how a normal mind works, I don’t see in other people’s heads. There was nothing for me to base my judgement on. I didn’t even know hypersexuality was a thing. I couldn’t possibly know I had it.

Why had no one told me?

I can’t say this for sure but I know my first therapist didn’t want to talk sex with a child, I was diagnosed young. Now the therapist who should have told me about it I will never understand why he didn’t. I think maybe it was because he thought everything could be fixed with drugs.

What did it mean?

It means I have a dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual fantasy and behaviours. This is apparently (I don’t agree with some of It) why I have had a large number of sexual partners, get into awkward situations sexually, have had a partner just for sex, can’t think properly after a few days without sex, get aggressive after a few days without sex, can’t sleep without sexual release, need a lot of physical contact, dress provocatively, dance in a sexual manner, am flirtatious, am into fetishism and enjoy sadomasochism.

What could I do about it?

I can accept my addiction, look at its cycle and consequences. Make a moral inventory of my behaviour and see what I personally think were bad sexual decisions. I can look back and see if my sexual behaviour has been harmful to others and make my apologies for it.

I can try and take control of my hypersexuality. Once I know it’s patterns I can watch out for it and try to avoid things that will increase the chance of my making a bad sexual decisions.

To help with this I can avoid drugs, alcohol, dressing sexually, flirting, intimate situations, people I have sexual connections with, dancing sexually, and any risky situations. I can also try and find other ways to relax, write down my feelings and see if there are other physical activities that give me and equal release.