Life changing

On the 12 of February. My life changed. I made a new plan. It didn’t start out as what I thought would be a good day. I wanted to hide from my problems. I had been let down by people I had held quite highly, people I thought were good people it turned out were more interested in money than morals. Its one of those facts of life that I hate but most of the world are that way. I was disappointed, downtrodden and I decided to give up, my fight was gone. I lost friends because I spoke up for what I believed in. I was even being threatened for it.

Then the better people in my life intervened. I was reminded by strangers exactly why I was standing up and being heard. People encouraging me to carry on as I was. There are things in this world that need changing and they aren’t going to be fixed by giving up. I want a world that I am proud to bring my son up in.

I refuse to be part of the problem. We all need to do a little bit to make the world better. So for my part I am protesting the things I really don’t agree with. I am standing for the rights of those who don’t have them. I have officially become carer for my nana to try and help make her life easier and brighter. I have had emma move in to my home disrupting everything but I wouldn’t change that. I am writing for a mental health organisation. I have plans to volunteer for feeding the homeless with Manchester angels (look them up they are ace). I am going to be running a therapy session for people who are abuse victims.

On top of this I realised how much I still had to fix about myself. I am still the product of what the world has done to me. I refuse to be that way. I won’t let the world grind me down to being all the things I hate. I want to leave the world having been the cause of more smiles than sadness and I guess that has to start with me too. I have a plan and the path ahead looks bright.

The journey so far hasn’t been easy but it has been full of smiles so I getting somewhere at least.

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Dear judgemental fuckwit

In the early hours of this morning a comment was left on my blog. My brain shouted yay people are reading my blog, this makes me happy. It was a nice happy post about polyamory and me. Whoop joy all round.

So I cheerfully pressed to read the comment. Here is what it said “I can fully understand why you would want to sleep with other people but you could at least have the decency to be quiet about it and save your husbands dignity.”

Well it is lovely of you to be so understanding and thinking of my husbands dignity but I can not be quiet about it, I am as a matter of fact rather vocal in the bedroom. It’s ok though my husband is rarely around when I am having sex with others so doesn’t usually hear it. On the odd occasions when he has though there is this little thing called compersion.

Compersion is A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

This is a feeling my wonderful husband is more than capable of. He loves it when I am happy even when it is because someone else is pleasuring me. I much prefer it if all my partners feel like this, not doing has caused problems in the past.

Now I am actually well aware this is probably not what you meant. You are obviously of the affairs are ok but let’s not talk about it camp. Well I am most certainly not. My husband and I live in what we would think is a dignified relationship due it having complete and total honesty. To be honest though I don’t spend much time worrying about dignity as proven my your message whatever I do someone will think it’s undignified.

I shall just carry in living my open and honest life full of love thank you. Lies and hiding who I am don’t really work for me. Thanks for your advice though.

Far too close

Life seems so good right now its hard to think that a few weeks ago I came so close to ending it. I live with the knowledge one day I might not be so lucky. My bipolar isn’t my only issue and everything combined is a lot for a brain to deal with. I am returning this week to trauma counselling and seeing what else can be done about my stupid head. I think the first step at the minute is getting out how things felt.

The steady build up of pressure with one problem after another cased massive anxiety issues. I felt like a burden on everyone around me as I spiralled further down. I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t stand the way people were looking at me, I didn’t want their pity. I knew I was hurting those I loved. I made everyone leave me alone to the point of even asking my husband to not be in our home.

I sat alone and drank. I cried while drinking spirits straight from the bottle. I thought about how much easier things would be for everyone if I wasn’t here. I made the decision to make their lives better. I didn’t want to deal with life anymore anyway. I pulled out the pill drawer from the cabinet and grabbed my scalpel set. I knew my son wouldn’t be home for a couple of days so there was no chance of him finding me.

I sat down feeling calm for the first time in a long while. I started taking the painkillers from the drawer one strip first popping a couple out of the packet, swallowing with alcohol then popping another couple, same again. Then my phone went off a text from a friend asking how I was. I suddenly realised that there are people who might like me as I am and won’t be better off without me. I put everything back. I text my husband begging him to come home. I curled up in the corner of the couch and sobbed. He found me like that, sat down and hugged me.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to pull myself together. I am scared that one day my illness may win but I am so happy that it wasn’t that day.

Hello world I am glad to see you.

No break ups aren’t easier

So today someone suggested that my recent break up didn’t hurt me because I have other partners. This is a ridiculous statement.

Does having more than one friend make it hurt less when you lose one? Does having more than one pet make it hurt less if you lose one? What about siblings, parents etc? Why just because I am intimate with someone does that suddenly change?

You wouldn’t say to someone oh it’s ok you have another one in any other type of relationship please don’t do it to me. I may do a good job of hiding it but I am hurting. I don’t need your opinion on my relationships at the best of times even less so right now.

Having more than one partner does mean I have someone to cry to when it hurts, someone to give me a hug and comfort me but so does having a best friend. They help in a similar way. It’s distracting and helps me think things through but it doesn’t magically make it not hurt. I have still lost a huge part of my life. I am still just as upset as I would be had they been my only partner. Break ups suck even when you know it’s the right thing to do and being poly doesn’t change that it just means I am lucky to have an amazing support network.

The boyfriend moving in

About 2 months ago my boyfriend moved in with me, my husband and our son. It’s been an interesting time for everyone. Before he moved in me nd my sister read lots of stuff online about poly families living together etc. It sounded terrible almost all the stuff I could find talked about the bad points, reasons it could fail and the amount of times it had fallen apart.

So I thought I would write this little piece to say it’s been great. I mean don’t get me wrong there have been teething problems but only the same kind as you get living with anyone new anyway like things being put back in the wrong place. It’s been awesome though.

Here is my list of wonderful things about living with both my partners.

1. I don’t have to pick who to spend time with everyday.
2. I can have film night with both of them and no one misses out on a good film.
3. More people to share tasks like washing up.
4. I love cooking big family meals and having more people around vastly improves that.
5. Getting a kiss goodnight from both of them.
6. Getting a kiss good morning from both of them.
7. Feeling incredibly loved.
8. No time wasted travelling back and forth between partners, also no travel cost and no babysitter needed.
9. My partners getting to know each other better.
10. Has to be said SEX when we want not when I can spare time to get over to see one partner.
11. Almost everything. Seriously it’s working for us.

Yay poly group living is working so far.

No way out

There’s no way out because I am well aware the problem is in my head. It is never going to go away. It might never get any easier than it is right now.

I can see exactly why people take their own lives sitting here in this moment.

My head hurts, it’s spinning my world is a mess. I don’t know how to talk to anyone. No one understands. So I sit here with my cat. My husband and my son are already sleeping and I love them so much, I know exactly how blessed I am to have them. I can’t help thinking they would be so much better off without me though. I am completely insane, my bipolar is causing so much strain on my life and my relationships recently. None of my usual coping mechanisms are doing anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am sat here crying in possibly the worst state I have been in years and I have been telling everyone all day that everything is fine. It’s not everything is far from fine. Why couldn’t I say that to my friends? To my husband? To my mum? Why do I have to feel like this? Will it always be this way? Will I live with this feeling into old age?

That is if I make it to old age. I found out today there is a problem with my blood test results and I need to go back to the haematology specialist on wednesday so my treatment may be failing already or my cancer may not have gone away as was thought before or a million and one other things.

I am rambling on my blog just to be doing something because I might scream otherwise at best and at worst I have no idea what I could do. I need to sleep but there is no way that will happen.

I know I am lucky but right now life doesn’t seem worth living.

The ethical slut exercise 2, Why sluthood? Why not? (List with help from Tink)

Reasons why people may be sluts

*sex is fun π
*sex is good for your health π
*I like kissing π
*I do not love monogamously π
*I like persons π
*I like making sexual connections with people π
*it feels free π
*I am in control of who touches my body π
*extra cuddles π
*sex is proven to be good for your skin
*sex is great exercise π
*sex helps with depression
*I get different things sexually from different people π
*I like cock and cunt π
*I don’t like feeling tied down, unless well I am actually tied down π
*I like showing off my butt π
*I get to know things about people I wouldn’t otherwise π
*seeing lots of beautiful people naked π
*intimacy feels nice π
*it makes me happy π
*I make others happy and feel good π
*orgasms πππππππππππ
*entertainment
*I like being playful π
*learning more about my sexual desires π
*extra love π
*closeness π
*being touched is fun π
*flirting is fun π
*I believe monogamy isn’t the norm for primates π
*I was taught to share
*I don’t need control over my partner π
*I like variety π
*for spiritual advancement
*to challenge society
*because I have a strong sexual appetite π
*more caring supportive people in your life π
*group sex rocks π
*feels natural π
*I believe in love π
*pheromones
*being sex positive π
*licking people
*it pisses prudes off ¥
*practice makes perfect
*stress relief
*try new things π
*curiosity π
*revenge ¥
*boost self esteem ¥
*because boobs ππππππ
*power ¥
*empowerment π
*affection π
*peer pressure ¥
*increase immune system
*acceptance ¥
*exciting π
*rebellion ¥
*improve sexual technique π
*daddy issues ¥
*male approval ¥
*cash gains ¥
*sexual addiction ¥
*people smell nice π

I will mark ones I think describe the type of slut I don’t want to be with ¥
Ones I think are good reasons with π