They come and go in bursts with memories I don’t want to think about. I can’t go more than a few days without them or sometimes a few hours. I can cope with waking up in a cold sweat, shaking and crying once every 3 days. I can survive on the little amount of sleep I get then.
Sadly normally they visit nightly they tear my brain apart images, noises even that smell flooding my mind. Sometimes I just wake up and lie there quietly I hate to disturb anyone else. Sometimes they keep me stuck and make me see more. This morning was one of those times. Stuck watching my worst moments screaming in my head but unable to do anything to stop it. It felt like it went on forever turns out it was only half an hour. I was awoken by my cat I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be whacked by her paw.
At the minute I have been having trauma counselling and it’s resulted in not being able to fall asleep without them even if I only doze for a few minutes. It’s been 2 weeks with less than an hours sleep a night. I am surprised I can type. I have a head ache constantly screaming at me to nap but I am too scared and even when I give in and try I only get a short burst before I am awake and shaking feeling worse than I did before sleep.
I am trying so hard to not let it affect my relationships. I have pushed my beautiful boyfriend away because of it far too many times in our just blossoming relationship and he is taking it so well, such an amazing person and I still have to push. I know he won’t hurt me yet at times I can’t stand his touch.
My wonderful husband tries so hard to look after me but there’s nothing he can do and I have watched my pain break his heart for the 11 years he’s been in my life. He’s the most fantastic person and I can just about let him touch me now when times are bad. He’s so used to my weirdness he just waits for me to come to him for affection. I hate not being complete enough to just be normal with my affections, I despise being this broken.
I am on my way to fixing these problems I hope but right now the therapy is just making it worse. So this is just a random outburst from me because I would rather be sleeping.
Today a lovely lady in the arndale toilets made me smile. Here’s the scene.
I step out of a cubicle. Shorts, off the shoulder slayer top, laddered tights, smudged eye make up, messy hair, remnants of a black eye (from my microdermals), slight neck bruise (from choking), slight limp and massive bruise showing out of the top of my top. Anyone who knows me sees this as kind of standard except for the limp but I never thought how it looked to the outside world.
So I go to wash my hands and more bruising shows as I lean forward. I catch a woman’s eye I smile at her a sleepy it’s too early to be in town smile. She strikes up a conversation, lovely friendly then she asks if everything is ok as I start to brush my hair. I laugh and say fine I was just too lazy to do my hair before leaving the house it was before 7 and I haven’t had enough sleep. I neaten my face pop some foundation on and fix my eye liner and she tells me it will be ok and I shouldn’t have to hide the bruises. I slowly realise she thinks I am being abused.
I calmly tell her I am not. She is so lovely and concerned without being at all pushy she tells me there are lots of places to get help if I am and asks me to take her number. I promise her I am ok. We talk for a minute and she comes to get a coffee with me as that’s where I was going anyway.
We sit down and talk and I explain that I really am not abused and all of my marks are consensual. She apologises and says how silly she feels but she just couldn’t not say anything. I tell her to never change that and that I think she should always talk to someone she thinks may be in trouble because one day they might really need it. We talk about kink and abuse and the differences. She tells me I have been really enlightening for her and she is glad she met me. I tell her that her genuine care and compassion has made my day brighter even if I didn’t need it. We hug and part ways. It’s an interesting start to the day…….