Far too close

Life seems so good right now its hard to think that a few weeks ago I came so close to ending it. I live with the knowledge one day I might not be so lucky. My bipolar isn’t my only issue and everything combined is a lot for a brain to deal with. I am returning this week to trauma counselling and seeing what else can be done about my stupid head. I think the first step at the minute is getting out how things felt.

The steady build up of pressure with one problem after another cased massive anxiety issues. I felt like a burden on everyone around me as I spiralled further down. I pushed everyone away. I couldn’t stand the way people were looking at me, I didn’t want their pity. I knew I was hurting those I loved. I made everyone leave me alone to the point of even asking my husband to not be in our home.

I sat alone and drank. I cried while drinking spirits straight from the bottle. I thought about how much easier things would be for everyone if I wasn’t here. I made the decision to make their lives better. I didn’t want to deal with life anymore anyway. I pulled out the pill drawer from the cabinet and grabbed my scalpel set. I knew my son wouldn’t be home for a couple of days so there was no chance of him finding me.

I sat down feeling calm for the first time in a long while. I started taking the painkillers from the drawer one strip first popping a couple out of the packet, swallowing with alcohol then popping another couple, same again. Then my phone went off a text from a friend asking how I was. I suddenly realised that there are people who might like me as I am and won’t be better off without me. I put everything back. I text my husband begging him to come home. I curled up in the corner of the couch and sobbed. He found me like that, sat down and hugged me.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to pull myself together. I am scared that one day my illness may win but I am so happy that it wasn’t that day.

Hello world I am glad to see you.

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No break ups aren’t easier

So today someone suggested that my recent break up didn’t hurt me because I have other partners. This is a ridiculous statement.

Does having more than one friend make it hurt less when you lose one? Does having more than one pet make it hurt less if you lose one? What about siblings, parents etc? Why just because I am intimate with someone does that suddenly change?

You wouldn’t say to someone oh it’s ok you have another one in any other type of relationship please don’t do it to me. I may do a good job of hiding it but I am hurting. I don’t need your opinion on my relationships at the best of times even less so right now.

Having more than one partner does mean I have someone to cry to when it hurts, someone to give me a hug and comfort me but so does having a best friend. They help in a similar way. It’s distracting and helps me think things through but it doesn’t magically make it not hurt. I have still lost a huge part of my life. I am still just as upset as I would be had they been my only partner. Break ups suck even when you know it’s the right thing to do and being poly doesn’t change that it just means I am lucky to have an amazing support network.

The Plan

On Friday I found out I might have to have more chemotherapy.

I was really secretive about it the first time round and most people didn’t know until the end of the treatment. I hated it I felt really alone but I didn’t want to let it interfere with my whole life so I kept it a secret. I tried to pretend everything was ok and I failed I was pushing myself too hard. The whole time was awful.

As you can imagine I don’t want to go through that again. I find out in two weeks what my test results are and what will be happening. I am scared. I have told more people about this than last time but I still feel alone. I am currently sat at home driving myself insane thinking about everything but at least I have my cat (I have lots of other beautiful people in my life but she’s the only one here).

I am planning for the worst. If my results are bad they will want me to start chemo on the 20th of December possibly and I will not be doing that. I have told my husband this. The 20th is Yule and I don’t want to ruin it. I also don’t fancy being sick other Christmas with a ten year old child. This is my first Yule/Christmas with my new slightly bigger family set up and I want to enjoy it as I don’t know when I will next be ok to plan anything.

I am going to spend the next month concentrating on making myself as healthy as possible for the coming treatment. I am looking for spiritual guidance in this so will be contacting a few people about alternative therapies etc.

I am also going to try and fit lots into the next month. I am not going to bury my head in the sand.

I am going to need lots of hugs though and probably a lot of coffee.

As if this wasn’t hard enough

There’s something a few people know and it really is only a few. It’s something that has been hard for me to tell anyone and even harder for me to deal with. I have a blood disorder aplastic anemia and it has entirely changed my life.

I found out on top of it I had Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which needed to be treated with chemotherapy, which would be extra difficult with my condition as both lower the amount of blood cells and platelets you have. I am now finished with the chemo, fingers crossed one test left. It has been a rough journey but lots of wonderful people have helped me along the way. I have wonderful friends, family and partners. I have met some great medical professionals, I honestly think they couldn’t have been better especially the poor nurse I emptied my stomach on during my first session.

So today the hardest part of it all happened someone close to me who I really care about, one of the few people I trusted to tell. Accused me of lying because I still have hair. I don’t still have all of my hair I shaved bits of it as they were the patches that were falling out, I cut it short and what’s left of it is much thinner but yes I am lucky to have some left. I am lucky that my wonderful doctor picked a chemo drug for me that doesn’t make all your hair fall out. I am lucky that I am still alive thanks to the wonderful doctors but I didn’t need this attitude it has broken my heart more than a little. So to anyone who thinks I would make a thing like this up I am adding a link to the drug I was being given where is specifically says you are unlikely to lose all your hair. Also fuck you.

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Chemotherapy/Individualdrugs/Vinblastine.aspx

Getting to know me

Facts about me that may or may not be of interest to people who read my blog but may help it make more sense when I write from now on.

1. I am Belisana, I am a genderqueer, pan sexual, pagan, mother, feminist, polyamorous, bipolar, kinky, switchy, cat, alternative, photographer, model…….
2. I have one child, a boy of 10 who will be called monkey from this point on
3. I am married to a wonderful man, have been for 8 years and together for a couple more than that, now known as H
4. I have a lovely boyfriend of just 2 1/2 months, now known as bf
5. I have a relationship forming with a wonderful woman but I am not sure where it is going, now known as bob
6. I write because I like to and I don’t mind if no one or everyone reads it
7. I am active on the local kink scene
8. I have a beautiful chosen sister, now known as tink.
9. I love my cat ivy more than I apparently should
10. I love my friends and have lots of them
11. I am having extensive medical treatment, no I don’t want to talk about it
12. I love to party
13. I live very much for the moment
14. I would love to change the world
15. I can think of nothing worse than being normal

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16. This is my seal of approval so don’t worry I don’t need anyone else’s

“Not in a gay way”

How do other people feel about this phrase?

I saw a conversation on the Internets today that has royally pissed me off.

Person 1: awesomely funny joke
Person 2: dude you are so funny I love you
Person 1: cheers mate
Person 2: not in a gay way

Was this last line necessary? Was it not clear how person 2 felt about person 1? Without the phrase not in a gay way would person 1 have thought person 2 was professing their undying love? Would they have thought it was a sexual proposition or a marriage proposal? Personally I would have thought it was just a friendly expression of affection.

When I tell my sister I love her I don’t feel the need to point out its not in an incest way. I just assume she knows, I assume she infers it from the nature of our conversation and relationship.

Is it completely unacceptable for two people of the same gender to say they love each other?

Share your opinions people…..

Hundred happy days

Two weeks ago I started the hundred happy days challenge, to post a picture that made me happy everyday. I have found this really helpful as I started it two days after starting very nasty medical treatment and it is helping to remind me of all the happy things in my life even on difficult days. I have found myself with so many moments to pick from everyday it’s been amazing.

I wanted to compile the pics somewhere easier to look back at them so I decided I could pop them up here every two weeks.

Day 1 puppy kisses

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Day 2
Seems to have disappeared
Day 3 a beautiful sunny lake when we thought we were going to get soaked on today’s shoot. 

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Day 4 finding a new way to coat plastic guns, also translates to having geeky friends

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Day 5 guillermo del toro day with my wonderful husband

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Day 6 also disappeared (may have to compile more often)
Day 7 listening to the a life less lived goth box set and my son dancing to misfits

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Day 8 reading a graphic novel my lovely boyfriend lent me on the grass in the sunshine, even if I did end up with muddy knees

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Day 9 a day in the sun with my beautiful lady, we are drinking orange juice, sober and still look drunk

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Day 10
random impromptu night out with sister, husband, boyfriend and all the other lovely people at Dusk Till Dawn

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Day 11 so much to be happy about  I don’t even know where to start, lovely day with friends in the pub, bbq with friends in the evening, fire jam fun times at night. The delightful Victoria giving me beautiful shoes and letting me borrow her marvellous antlers. Julie  saying I am getting better at hooping and promising to make it happen by making me a belated birthday hoop to practice with. Seeing Matt  and his fire whips for the first time in ages. But the picture I will go with is still definitely the one from the day that makes me laugh most my tiny hands compared to the giant.

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Day 12 sitting on a hill with a friend at sunset just because we can. Thanks Katie for a lovely time.

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Day 13 taking a walk 5 minutes from my house

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Day 14 me and the boyfriend pulling ridiculous faces to cheer up Lil sis

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And that’s two weeks of happiness from me.