Dear judgemental fuckwit

In the early hours of this morning a comment was left on my blog. My brain shouted yay people are reading my blog, this makes me happy. It was a nice happy post about polyamory and me. Whoop joy all round.

So I cheerfully pressed to read the comment. Here is what it said “I can fully understand why you would want to sleep with other people but you could at least have the decency to be quiet about it and save your husbands dignity.”

Well it is lovely of you to be so understanding and thinking of my husbands dignity but I can not be quiet about it, I am as a matter of fact rather vocal in the bedroom. It’s ok though my husband is rarely around when I am having sex with others so doesn’t usually hear it. On the odd occasions when he has though there is this little thing called compersion.

Compersion is A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

This is a feeling my wonderful husband is more than capable of. He loves it when I am happy even when it is because someone else is pleasuring me. I much prefer it if all my partners feel like this, not doing has caused problems in the past.

Now I am actually well aware this is probably not what you meant. You are obviously of the affairs are ok but let’s not talk about it camp. Well I am most certainly not. My husband and I live in what we would think is a dignified relationship due it having complete and total honesty. To be honest though I don’t spend much time worrying about dignity as proven my your message whatever I do someone will think it’s undignified.

I shall just carry in living my open and honest life full of love thank you. Lies and hiding who I am don’t really work for me. Thanks for your advice though.

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Getting to know me

Facts about me that may or may not be of interest to people who read my blog but may help it make more sense when I write from now on.

1. I am Belisana, I am a genderqueer, pan sexual, pagan, mother, feminist, polyamorous, bipolar, kinky, switchy, cat, alternative, photographer, model…….
2. I have one child, a boy of 10 who will be called monkey from this point on
3. I am married to a wonderful man, have been for 8 years and together for a couple more than that, now known as H
4. I have a lovely boyfriend of just 2 1/2 months, now known as bf
5. I have a relationship forming with a wonderful woman but I am not sure where it is going, now known as bob
6. I write because I like to and I don’t mind if no one or everyone reads it
7. I am active on the local kink scene
8. I have a beautiful chosen sister, now known as tink.
9. I love my cat ivy more than I apparently should
10. I love my friends and have lots of them
11. I am having extensive medical treatment, no I don’t want to talk about it
12. I love to party
13. I live very much for the moment
14. I would love to change the world
15. I can think of nothing worse than being normal

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16. This is my seal of approval so don’t worry I don’t need anyone else’s

Poly for the old

Poly question

Do you think you will be poly when you are old? How would that work?

I think I will always be poly, it feels natural to me it is part of who I am. I don’t really know how it will work when I am old though because I struggle to picture being old at all. I don’t know how I will be when I am old I think I will have changed alot so my lifestyle will adapt also.

I know I will still be with my wonderful husband though and that we will be living however feels natural to us. I don’t know where my other relationships will be by then or if either of us will have met someone new to take into account. I can’t see into the future but I am looking forward to finding out how things will work.

Making time for more than one partner

Poly question number three
How do you find time for more than one relationship?

My first response to this is usually do you have more than one friend? How do you find time for that? I understand it’s different but I don’t think it’s that different. I make time for everyone in my life who means a lot to me, I don’t find making time for my partners too difficult really.

I live with my husband so he gets a lot of time with me in general but as a lot of that is spent doing non fun things like the food shopping, washing up and keeping the house a decent state we like to make sure we have date nights so we get quality alone time.

I find time for other partners based on mine and their other commitments for example work, other partners and childcare. I invite my current partner over to spend time with me at my house when I am busy with childcare or other things that keep me at home, I wouldn’t do this in a casual relationship because I wouldn’t introduce a casual partner to my child. I go to him when that is more convenient and sometimes we just meet up for an hour or so before/after work etc.

I am lucky in that my partner and my husband get on very well so I can spend time with them both at the same time, which definitely makes things easier.

Poly And Us

I have been married for nearly 8 years. Our relationship has always been poly, it is very fluid and flexible. We discuss everything and we always know where we stand. I recently realised that I think so little now on how this relationship works because it does naturally and very well due to the way we are. This is probably not productive to any new relationships I enter into, as I don’t give enough information about how I think poly works, resulting in confusion and crossed wires.

I decided it might be a good idea to sit and talk things through with my husband, to make sure we are on the same page still and so I can clearly define things to people who need the details. We decided to write it down so its easy to share.

We have come to this agreement of how poly works for us over a number of years, many things have changed over that time but most is the same as when we started out, we possibly have less rules now and things are more guidelines with flexibility.

  • Any type of relationship is allowed, to any level.
  • We do not need to be each others singularly most important relationship, steady partners are all equal, their needs and feelings are just as important.
  • At the beginning of a relationship partners are allowed to give their opinion on potential partners and veto them within reason.
  • All new partners must be told about current partners and must be poly positive. Details of other relationships must be given if asked.
  • Relationships are allowed to form and progress naturally, without limitations on how far they can go.
  • We do not become involved with anyone who is not respectful of current relationships. Everyone must continue this respect.
  • We communicate about everything, often and honestly. If there is any fear, jealousy or other problems we discuss it and deal with things as soon as possible finding solutions that benefit everyone if possible.
  • We are mainly out about our being poly, there are a few exceptions to this, it is preferred if potential partners are also out.
  • We have no issues with seeing partners being affectionate or them doing so publically.
  • There are no sexual comparisons made, it is not a contest.
  • We try our best to find time for all partners, making sure everyone gets enough attention. There is no cancelling on one partner to spend time with another.

Safety rules

  • Condoms/protection must be used by all partners outside of the marriage.
  • We must get regularly tested, if possible exposure to STD happens all partners must be notified immediately.
  • All play must be performed as safely as possible.
  • Edge play is only allowed in committed relationships.