No break ups aren’t easier

So today someone suggested that my recent break up didn’t hurt me because I have other partners. This is a ridiculous statement.

Does having more than one friend make it hurt less when you lose one? Does having more than one pet make it hurt less if you lose one? What about siblings, parents etc? Why just because I am intimate with someone does that suddenly change?

You wouldn’t say to someone oh it’s ok you have another one in any other type of relationship please don’t do it to me. I may do a good job of hiding it but I am hurting. I don’t need your opinion on my relationships at the best of times even less so right now.

Having more than one partner does mean I have someone to cry to when it hurts, someone to give me a hug and comfort me but so does having a best friend. They help in a similar way. It’s distracting and helps me think things through but it doesn’t magically make it not hurt. I have still lost a huge part of my life. I am still just as upset as I would be had they been my only partner. Break ups suck even when you know it’s the right thing to do and being poly doesn’t change that it just means I am lucky to have an amazing support network.

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The boyfriend moving in

About 2 months ago my boyfriend moved in with me, my husband and our son. It’s been an interesting time for everyone. Before he moved in me nd my sister read lots of stuff online about poly families living together etc. It sounded terrible almost all the stuff I could find talked about the bad points, reasons it could fail and the amount of times it had fallen apart.

So I thought I would write this little piece to say it’s been great. I mean don’t get me wrong there have been teething problems but only the same kind as you get living with anyone new anyway like things being put back in the wrong place. It’s been awesome though.

Here is my list of wonderful things about living with both my partners.

1. I don’t have to pick who to spend time with everyday.
2. I can have film night with both of them and no one misses out on a good film.
3. More people to share tasks like washing up.
4. I love cooking big family meals and having more people around vastly improves that.
5. Getting a kiss goodnight from both of them.
6. Getting a kiss good morning from both of them.
7. Feeling incredibly loved.
8. No time wasted travelling back and forth between partners, also no travel cost and no babysitter needed.
9. My partners getting to know each other better.
10. Has to be said SEX when we want not when I can spare time to get over to see one partner.
11. Almost everything. Seriously it’s working for us.

Yay poly group living is working so far.

Sluts we know and love

I am reading the ethical slut and thought  I best have a go at the exercises. Here is the first one.

Sluts we know and love.

I am lucky in that I know a vast number of ethical sluts, sadly I know some less ethical ones too but never mind this is a post I intend to make sure is positive.

I am going to start close to home the people I am most happy are ethical sluts are those I am involved with, H, bf and Bob. All of whom are wonderful honest people who I trust.

I’m going to move onto the many poly people I know in the fetish community, making special mention of bmb  a good friend of mine who is very open and proud of her slutiness.

I also have some non fetish community friends who are poly but not very many. A lot of these people hide it from those close to them which I think must be terribly hard.

I know a lot of people who sleep around, swing, play, have one night stands and fuck buddies when they are single but are monogamous once they connect with someone which is cool a few of these people would like to do poly but can’t get around the jealousy once they are emotionally involved with someone.

Now sluts in the media this is more difficult for me as I don’t pay much attention to the media in general. Obviously there is Dossie Easton who wrote the ethical slut I have to say I am pretty impressed with her right now. Alfred Kinsey and Clara Bracken McMillen had an open marriage which I find interesting along with his sexology studies. I have heard that Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer are reported to as well but I don’t know if that is in fact true.

Non monogamous characters are easy for me to think of some of my favourite non monogamous characters are from Laurell K Hamilton books where she shows some of the many issues non monogamy can cause but with very fantasy based characters, wolves, vampires, faeries and ancient gods being amongst my favourites. Amusingly Rita and Sue and Bob too always sticks in my head as possibly the first time I saw poly portrayed on tv but I don’t think it was a wonderful portrayal. Actually thinking about it one of the most healthy portrayals I have seen of poly was in elf quest books where several elves lifemate  with two others, these relationships were balanced, loving and dealt with jealous well. It comes up lots in the bible only frowned upon in certain instances which is interesting as the catholic church isn’t fond of poly.

Star trek has a few civilisations where poly is the norm, andorians have four person family units as standard not couples (they also have four sexes), denobulans have no concern for marital fidelity and it is mentioned more in the books which indicate that group marriage becomes legal on earth. Mollari in Babylon 5 had several wives but he loved non of them and is in love with his mistress, they were arranged marriages. I saw a poly relationship briefly on futurama. I may have just realised how geeky I am.

There are also lots of references to non monogamy in lots of ancient cultures and myths from the Greeks, romans, norse , egyptians, celts and many more.

Getting to know me

Facts about me that may or may not be of interest to people who read my blog but may help it make more sense when I write from now on.

1. I am Belisana, I am a genderqueer, pan sexual, pagan, mother, feminist, polyamorous, bipolar, kinky, switchy, cat, alternative, photographer, model…….
2. I have one child, a boy of 10 who will be called monkey from this point on
3. I am married to a wonderful man, have been for 8 years and together for a couple more than that, now known as H
4. I have a lovely boyfriend of just 2 1/2 months, now known as bf
5. I have a relationship forming with a wonderful woman but I am not sure where it is going, now known as bob
6. I write because I like to and I don’t mind if no one or everyone reads it
7. I am active on the local kink scene
8. I have a beautiful chosen sister, now known as tink.
9. I love my cat ivy more than I apparently should
10. I love my friends and have lots of them
11. I am having extensive medical treatment, no I don’t want to talk about it
12. I love to party
13. I live very much for the moment
14. I would love to change the world
15. I can think of nothing worse than being normal

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16. This is my seal of approval so don’t worry I don’t need anyone else’s