As if this wasn’t hard enough

There’s something a few people know and it really is only a few. It’s something that has been hard for me to tell anyone and even harder for me to deal with. I have a blood disorder aplastic anemia and it has entirely changed my life.

I found out on top of it I had Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which needed to be treated with chemotherapy, which would be extra difficult with my condition as both lower the amount of blood cells and platelets you have. I am now finished with the chemo, fingers crossed one test left. It has been a rough journey but lots of wonderful people have helped me along the way. I have wonderful friends, family and partners. I have met some great medical professionals, I honestly think they couldn’t have been better especially the poor nurse I emptied my stomach on during my first session.

So today the hardest part of it all happened someone close to me who I really care about, one of the few people I trusted to tell. Accused me of lying because I still have hair. I don’t still have all of my hair I shaved bits of it as they were the patches that were falling out, I cut it short and what’s left of it is much thinner but yes I am lucky to have some left. I am lucky that my wonderful doctor picked a chemo drug for me that doesn’t make all your hair fall out. I am lucky that I am still alive thanks to the wonderful doctors but I didn’t need this attitude it has broken my heart more than a little. So to anyone who thinks I would make a thing like this up I am adding a link to the drug I was being given where is specifically says you are unlikely to lose all your hair. Also fuck you.


Getting to know me

Facts about me that may or may not be of interest to people who read my blog but may help it make more sense when I write from now on.

1. I am Belisana, I am a genderqueer, pan sexual, pagan, mother, feminist, polyamorous, bipolar, kinky, switchy, cat, alternative, photographer, model…….
2. I have one child, a boy of 10 who will be called monkey from this point on
3. I am married to a wonderful man, have been for 8 years and together for a couple more than that, now known as H
4. I have a lovely boyfriend of just 2 1/2 months, now known as bf
5. I have a relationship forming with a wonderful woman but I am not sure where it is going, now known as bob
6. I write because I like to and I don’t mind if no one or everyone reads it
7. I am active on the local kink scene
8. I have a beautiful chosen sister, now known as tink.
9. I love my cat ivy more than I apparently should
10. I love my friends and have lots of them
11. I am having extensive medical treatment, no I don’t want to talk about it
12. I love to party
13. I live very much for the moment
14. I would love to change the world
15. I can think of nothing worse than being normal


16. This is my seal of approval so don’t worry I don’t need anyone else’s

Poly and STI’s

Poly question time again. This one was worded rather offensively but I shall answer it anyway.

Do you not worry about STI’s?

Simple answer yes.

Long answer

I worry about sexual diseases a lot. I always have. I deal with it in sensible mature ways though. Being poly has not really changed how I deal with my sexual health. I have always had safer sex not necessarily completely 100% risk free as that is basically impossible but as close as I could get. I have always been reasonably highly active sexually so I know I am at a higher risk in general.

Poly wise we deal with the possibility STI’s in my marriage by having firm rules on what is and isn’t allowed with other partners. We don’t allow penetrative sex with others in general without condoms and if one of us has been active with others (yes it’s usually me) we get tested regularly. These rules do not apply with a current partner he has been tested, is only currently active with me and so things are allowed that wouldn’t otherwise be, if he becomes  active with others this will change.

So yes I worry about STI’s and I deal with it like everything else I worry about in life.


This post is just for me.

The last week has been one of head spinning, brain melting confusion. I have been having huge bi polar issues. The kaleidoscopic nature of my brain is a little too much, I have cried and laughed and been the horniest creature that ever there was. I have been a terror to my partners and friends. I can’t think how to fix any of it as I can’t follow a singular thought for too long at a time. I am struggling to get anything done and as always I have loads to do.

Plus points I am feeling really creative, some of the happy points have been delightful and music sounds better than ever. Weird brain you are definitely different but all in all I still don’t hate you. I am sorry to anyone I hurt along the way though.