No break ups aren’t easier

So today someone suggested that my recent break up didn’t hurt me because I have other partners. This is a ridiculous statement.

Does having more than one friend make it hurt less when you lose one? Does having more than one pet make it hurt less if you lose one? What about siblings, parents etc? Why just because I am intimate with someone does that suddenly change?

You wouldn’t say to someone oh it’s ok you have another one in any other type of relationship please don’t do it to me. I may do a good job of hiding it but I am hurting. I don’t need your opinion on my relationships at the best of times even less so right now.

Having more than one partner does mean I have someone to cry to when it hurts, someone to give me a hug and comfort me but so does having a best friend. They help in a similar way. It’s distracting and helps me think things through but it doesn’t magically make it not hurt. I have still lost a huge part of my life. I am still just as upset as I would be had they been my only partner. Break ups suck even when you know it’s the right thing to do and being poly doesn’t change that it just means I am lucky to have an amazing support network.


O Captain, My Captain, Suicide It’s time to talk

Today the topic of suicide has been talked about more than any other day I can remember. This is because a great comedy genius has (most likely) taken his own life. I want to start this by saying I am rarely upset by the passing of famous people but today I cried (partly because if you have been reading lately I am a little depressed) because a man whose wonderful comedy and heart felt dramas helped me through some of my darkest moments is gone most likely due to the same illness I struggle with daily and because no one seems to mention the other over a million people in the world who have taken their life in the last year ( That is someone choosing death over life every 40 seconds, it’s 1.8% of deaths worldwide and its an increase of 60% in 45 years.

So to Robin Williams you were on my list of people who I thought had used their mania to do beautiful things (something I was made to write during therapy), you made people smile and cry, you brought up issues some people would never have thought about and raised a beautiful daughter ( a big deal to me dealing with bipolar and a 10 year old). I am saddened that you couldn’t get the help you needed and find peace. You will be remembered by millions.

While we are talking about suicide and mental illness though what about the other millions lets have a moment for them, many of them weren’t famous and went basically unnoticed by the world on a grand scale but their lives were surely worth every bit as much. I am saddened by their passing too, several on a very personal level. There are people I miss everyday because their illnesses won. I was so very nearly one of them having attempted suicide on more than one occasion but I am so lucky I have good friends and a high tolerance to pills it would seem. I am so glad I didn’t become part of these statistics but I am aware that one day I could easily do so.

On that note I really hope some good comes of all this talking, I hope people become more understanding because I have heard some awful things today.

“Having no sympathy for suicide because it is selfish” I think is the worst I have seen from the absolute fucking delight that is Alan Brazil. This shows a complete lack of respect and understanding of people with depression, it insults the deceased and causes more harm to those suffering. I know for a fact that when people say things like this it makes people who have attempted it at some point feel guilty which is the last thing we need. If you have never suffered from a genuinely debilitating mental illness you really have no idea how tough it is to live with and how much you know you are putting those around you through, you don’t know the feeling that absolutely nothing will improve and that you only make their lives worse you don’t realise that many people do it for those they love because they feel they would be better off without you.

I have also heard that suicide is a bit over the top because everyone has hard times and gets over it. Depression is not having a hard time. Stop dismissing genuine sufferers of depression you wouldn’t dismiss how hard having cancer is to deal with, how much it takes over your life or how it affects those around someone.

“He was rich how could he be depressed” well this one is just ridiculous are there people out there who still haven’t realised that mental illnesses are ILLNESSES and illnesses do not pick who will have them based on what people own that is 100% not how illness works.

Now moving forward I would really recommend that everyone who reads this also pops over to and takes note of the warning signs of suicidal people because apparently 75% of people who commit suicide show some of these warning signs so knowing them could seriously save lives. Maybe share the page around and save some lives or at least improve understanding.

Thanks people.

Hypomania, I thought I would start on a high.

I hate my hypomania but I wouldn’t change it. It’s a big part of the way I am and the way I┬áhave always been and although I am more cautious of it now I don’t try to stop it happening.

What it is for me;

  • Childlike behaviours
  • Being over active
  • Periods of excitable behaviour
  • Total happiness
  • Bliss like states
  • Aggressive, irritable states
  • A huge increase in my confidence
  • Insomnia
  • Ridiculously talkative
  • Mind like a kaleidoscope full of ideas moving and blending together but struggling to keep track of a singular one
  • More energy than usual
  • Lack of fear or care for safety
  • Restlessness
  • No concentration
  • Need to be around people
  • Risky behaviour
  • Hyper-sexuality
  • Sharper more irritable senses.

Now most of these things I would quite like to do without so I tried the meds suggested to me for mood stabilizing and they worked my mood was stable. There was no mania. I felt nothing. I tried a few different options at a few different strengths. I still felt nothing. I missed the extreme happiness. I missed my creativity. I missed being excitable and childlike. I realised that without the mania things were very dull, I didn’t feel like myself, I was definitely missing bits of myself. I couldn’t take joy in many of the things I used to love. So I came off the meds. I am trying to find ways to deal with the manic spells. I am working on finding ways to stop the kaleidoscope turning and settle my mind on one thing. I find myself about in control of my aggression having found outlets for it.

All of the hard work I have put into dealing with it is worth it when I have a day where I can find happiness in the simple things around me, when I have childlike wonder, and feel a complete bliss like state.