The Plan

On Friday I found out I might have to have more chemotherapy.

I was really secretive about it the first time round and most people didn’t know until the end of the treatment. I hated it I felt really alone but I didn’t want to let it interfere with my whole life so I kept it a secret. I tried to pretend everything was ok and I failed I was pushing myself too hard. The whole time was awful.

As you can imagine I don’t want to go through that again. I find out in two weeks what my test results are and what will be happening. I am scared. I have told more people about this than last time but I still feel alone. I am currently sat at home driving myself insane thinking about everything but at least I have my cat (I have lots of other beautiful people in my life but she’s the only one here).

I am planning for the worst. If my results are bad they will want me to start chemo on the 20th of December possibly and I will not be doing that. I have told my husband this. The 20th is Yule and I don’t want to ruin it. I also don’t fancy being sick other Christmas with a ten year old child. This is my first Yule/Christmas with my new slightly bigger family set up and I want to enjoy it as I don’t know when I will next be ok to plan anything.

I am going to spend the next month concentrating on making myself as healthy as possible for the coming treatment. I am looking for spiritual guidance in this so will be contacting a few people about alternative therapies etc.

I am also going to try and fit lots into the next month. I am not going to bury my head in the sand.

I am going to need lots of hugs though and probably a lot of coffee.

The boyfriend moving in

About 2 months ago my boyfriend moved in with me, my husband and our son. It’s been an interesting time for everyone. Before he moved in me nd my sister read lots of stuff online about poly families living together etc. It sounded terrible almost all the stuff I could find talked about the bad points, reasons it could fail and the amount of times it had fallen apart.

So I thought I would write this little piece to say it’s been great. I mean don’t get me wrong there have been teething problems but only the same kind as you get living with anyone new anyway like things being put back in the wrong place. It’s been awesome though.

Here is my list of wonderful things about living with both my partners.

1. I don’t have to pick who to spend time with everyday.
2. I can have film night with both of them and no one misses out on a good film.
3. More people to share tasks like washing up.
4. I love cooking big family meals and having more people around vastly improves that.
5. Getting a kiss goodnight from both of them.
6. Getting a kiss good morning from both of them.
7. Feeling incredibly loved.
8. No time wasted travelling back and forth between partners, also no travel cost and no babysitter needed.
9. My partners getting to know each other better.
10. Has to be said SEX when we want not when I can spare time to get over to see one partner.
11. Almost everything. Seriously it’s working for us.

Yay poly group living is working so far.

Hey everyone it’s bi visibility day

image

So it’s bisexuality visibility day, bisexual pride day etc.

I am bi-sexual I think pretty much everyone I know is aware of this. I am lucky that I am comfortable telling the world this. I wasn’t always so comfortable.

I have been told I am confused (oh yes that still happens) and I will make up my mind one day. I have been told that I am clearly straight as I am married. I have been told I am not welcome in gay venues because I was with a guy.

But today isn’t just about me (shocking) it’s about making all bisexuals visible to other communities. It’s about celebrating our past, the present and our future. It’s about recognition and making things better.

So a little history. Hopefully all of this is accurate (I can’t promise anything).

This day was just observed in 1999 as a response to prejudice in the straight and gay communities. It started in the states but is now celebrated in Canada, Australia, Japan, Germany, New Zealand, Sweden and the United Kingdom. The day aims to provide a platform to the bisexual community and their supporters and to bring global attention to the social, economic and cultural prejudices and challenges faced by bisexual people. Events held over the years include discussions, conferences and workshops. LGBT organisations have held public education programmes.

Present we are more visible than before but still suffer from biphobia on a large scale. Biphobic ideas include

Denial
A lot of people say bisexuality doesn’t really exist that you are either straight or gay and anything else is just confusion, being in the closet, being purposely awkward etc.

Promiscuity
The claim that bisexuals are just after as much as they can get and will do anything with anyone without discrimination. They are incapable if just being with one person and being faithful. They are less careful and more likely to not use protection.

Hopefully in the future bisexuality will not be seen with such negative stereotypes.

Leanan sidhe

I go by the name Belisana Leanan Sidhe. I took on this name years ago when I was very young because someone else called me it and I liked it. I have researched it’s origin over the years.

image

I thought I would pop all the things I have found in one place just for myself.

image

I very much love that I found a Brian Froud depicting of her.

image

Also spelt Leanhaun Shee, lannan Shee, lhiannan Shee,

image

The leannán sídhe is generally depicted as a beautiful muse, who offers inspiration to an artist in exchange for their love and devotion; however, this frequently results in madness for the artist, as well as premature death.

image

The Leanhaun Shee (fairy mistress) seeks the love of mortals. If they refuse, she must be their slave; if they consent, they are hers, and can only escape by finding another to take their place. The fairy lives on their life, and they waste away. Death is no escape from her. She is the Gaelic muse, for she gives inspiration to those she persecutes. The Gaelic poets die young, for she is restless, and will not let them remain long on earth—this malignant phantom.

image

Poem

Poor Sean died a week ago.
He’s buried by the sea;
Some point the blame on his weak heart
But I blame Leanansidhe.

He was not one to be forgotten
With his hair of curly gold;
His smile had yet to lose its sparkle,
His eyes were never cold.

The poor fool was a writer
And his character was merry;
But that all changed when he met
That cruel blood-sucking faery.

Leanansidhe, inspirer of poets
And artists, far and wide;
She saw dear Sean’s great warm heart
And dove deeply inside.

“Oh my love,” cooed Leanansidhe,
“You have such amazing talent; 
Why don’t you write of knights of armor
And other things so gallant?”

Her sweet words worked for quite a while
She charmed him through and through;
But it wasn’t long until her magic
Turned Sean’s red heart to blue.

Sean became cold and bitter,
His life force quickly drained;
Then Leanansidhe bit his neck
And drank all that remained.

Poor Sean died a week ago.
He’s buried by the sea;
Though some may think me crazy,
I know it was Leanansidhe.

image

A celtic muse possessing a dark unearthly beauty.  Her name translates as my inspiration faery. Resides under the Irish Sea roams at night looking for a lover. Lovers suffer a keen longing in her absence, they burn brightly but without endurance so they expire quickly. This is the price of her gift a great heartbreak or sorrow caused by her leaving but not by malicious intent.

image

Her lovers consider her attentions a gift and a wonderful improvement to their art but cause a self destructive nature leaving the belief she is evil. She has been likened to a vampire ruining a lovers body and soul. All others become lifeless and dull by comparison by all who have seen her beauty.

image

This beautiful sinister being is wrapped in mystery, confusion, syncretism and shadows. Over time, vampire characteristics were becoming more and more present. It is believed that she does not drink the blood of the victims, but the stores in her cauldron, which would be the source of its beauty and its power to inspire. Other strands say she sucks the blood of common people to feed, but his chosen artists suck your life force, causing them to death. It is also said that Leanan often develops an instinct of protection towards the artist inspires. This ratio can even reach the point where the fairy would fall by his protégé. 

image

Appears both as a woman and a man and charisma attracts far more than just stemming from its incomparable beauty.The essence of this offers an aura of life, even more intense than the other fairy creatures. Only the fairy people are able to freely see their natural form, which is shockingly beautiful. Leanan sidhe appear before mortals but in a different form (still captivatingly beautiful), chosen as the best for the “protégé”. It can take the form of both women and men, of any race and is always exceptionally beautiful representative of this nation.

image

There are also several reports of this fairy taking human form and being able to inspire men to war. A traditional history attached to Leanan Sidhe realizes his influence with the King of Eugene Munster. Taking human form and assuming the identity of a poet called Eodain, she would have inspired the King so that he was able to completely defeat their enemies.

image

A beautiful otherworld woman who stole young men for her pleasure, first in erotic dreams, then in the earthly world to lead the victim to her fairy palace. There the lover danced to fairy tunes, ate food more delicious than any known on earth, and drank delectable wine that never made one drunk. Should a man live through his return, food had no taste, and music no melody.

image

She is intelligence and creativity, art and magic. In this earthly realm, so embraced with fear of the erotic and the sensual, it is no wonder she who is the embodiment of these very qualities, has been considered dangerous and evil, as many woman have been considered evil who revel in their mystery, power and dark exotic beauty.

image

I found lots of little bits of info and would love to know if anyone knows any more.

image

The Song of the Leanan Sidhe

BrennaGwyn of the Children of Twilight, Based on Heather Alexander’s “Creature of the Wood”

I am a creature of the Fey
Prepare to give your soul away 
My spell is passion and it is art 
My song can bind a human heart 
And if you chance to know my face 
My hold shall be your last embrace. 

I shall be thy lover… 

I am unlike a mortal lass 
From dreams of longing I have passed 
I came upon your lonely cries 
Revealed beauty to your eyes 
So shun the world that you have known 
And spend your nights within my own. 

I shall be thy lover… 

You shall be known by other men 
For your great works of voice and pen 
Yet inspiration has a cost 
For with me know your soul is lost 
I’ll take your passion and your skill 
I’ll take your young life quicker still. 

I shall be thy lover… 

Through the kisses that I give 
I draw from you that I will live 
The touch of death, your lover’s hand 
Your will to live has come too late 
Come to my arms, and love this fate! 

I shall be thy lover… 

I am a creature of the Fey 
Prepare to give your soul away 
My spell is passion and it is art 
My song can bind a human heart 
And if you chance to know my face 
My hold shall be your last embrace. 

image

No way out

There’s no way out because I am well aware the problem is in my head. It is never going to go away. It might never get any easier than it is right now.

I can see exactly why people take their own lives sitting here in this moment.

My head hurts, it’s spinning my world is a mess. I don’t know how to talk to anyone. No one understands. So I sit here with my cat. My husband and my son are already sleeping and I love them so much, I know exactly how blessed I am to have them. I can’t help thinking they would be so much better off without me though. I am completely insane, my bipolar is causing so much strain on my life and my relationships recently. None of my usual coping mechanisms are doing anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am sat here crying in possibly the worst state I have been in years and I have been telling everyone all day that everything is fine. It’s not everything is far from fine. Why couldn’t I say that to my friends? To my husband? To my mum? Why do I have to feel like this? Will it always be this way? Will I live with this feeling into old age?

That is if I make it to old age. I found out today there is a problem with my blood test results and I need to go back to the haematology specialist on wednesday so my treatment may be failing already or my cancer may not have gone away as was thought before or a million and one other things.

I am rambling on my blog just to be doing something because I might scream otherwise at best and at worst I have no idea what I could do. I need to sleep but there is no way that will happen.

I know I am lucky but right now life doesn’t seem worth living.

To the lovely lady in the toilets

Today a lovely lady in the arndale toilets made me smile. Here’s the scene.

I step out of a cubicle. Shorts, off the shoulder slayer top, laddered tights, smudged eye make up, messy hair, remnants of a black eye (from my microdermals), slight neck bruise (from choking), slight limp  and massive bruise showing out of the top of my top. Anyone who knows me sees this as kind of standard except for the limp but I never thought how it looked to the outside world.

So I go to wash my hands and more bruising shows as I lean forward. I catch a woman’s eye I smile at her a sleepy it’s too early to be in town smile. She strikes up a conversation, lovely friendly then she asks if everything is ok as I start to brush my hair. I laugh and say fine I was just too lazy to do my hair before leaving the house it was before 7 and I haven’t had enough sleep. I neaten my face pop some foundation on and fix my eye liner and she tells me it will be ok and I shouldn’t have to hide the bruises. I slowly realise she thinks I am being abused.

I calmly tell her I am not. She is so lovely and concerned without being at all pushy she tells me there are lots of places to get help if I am and asks me to take her number. I promise her I am ok. We talk for a minute and she comes to get a coffee with me as that’s where I was going anyway.

We sit down and talk and I explain that I really am not abused and all of my marks are consensual. She apologises and says how silly she feels but she just couldn’t not say anything. I tell her to never change that and that I think she should always talk to someone she thinks may be in trouble because one day they might really need it. We talk about kink and abuse and the differences. She tells me I have been really enlightening for her and she is glad she met me. I tell her that her genuine care and compassion has made my day brighter even if I didn’t need it. We hug and part ways. It’s an interesting start to the day…….

O Captain, My Captain, Suicide It’s time to talk

Today the topic of suicide has been talked about more than any other day I can remember. This is because a great comedy genius has (most likely) taken his own life. I want to start this by saying I am rarely upset by the passing of famous people but today I cried (partly because if you have been reading lately I am a little depressed) because a man whose wonderful comedy and heart felt dramas helped me through some of my darkest moments is gone most likely due to the same illness I struggle with daily and because no one seems to mention the other over a million people in the world who have taken their life in the last year (http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-statistics.html). That is someone choosing death over life every 40 seconds, it’s 1.8% of deaths worldwide and its an increase of 60% in 45 years.

So to Robin Williams you were on my list of people who I thought had used their mania to do beautiful things (something I was made to write during therapy), you made people smile and cry, you brought up issues some people would never have thought about and raised a beautiful daughter ( a big deal to me dealing with bipolar and a 10 year old). I am saddened that you couldn’t get the help you needed and find peace. You will be remembered by millions.

While we are talking about suicide and mental illness though what about the other millions lets have a moment for them, many of them weren’t famous and went basically unnoticed by the world on a grand scale but their lives were surely worth every bit as much. I am saddened by their passing too, several on a very personal level. There are people I miss everyday because their illnesses won. I was so very nearly one of them having attempted suicide on more than one occasion but I am so lucky I have good friends and a high tolerance to pills it would seem. I am so glad I didn’t become part of these statistics but I am aware that one day I could easily do so.

On that note I really hope some good comes of all this talking, I hope people become more understanding because I have heard some awful things today.

“Having no sympathy for suicide because it is selfish” I think is the worst I have seen from the absolute fucking delight that is Alan Brazil. This shows a complete lack of respect and understanding of people with depression, it insults the deceased and causes more harm to those suffering. I know for a fact that when people say things like this it makes people who have attempted it at some point feel guilty which is the last thing we need. If you have never suffered from a genuinely debilitating mental illness you really have no idea how tough it is to live with and how much you know you are putting those around you through, you don’t know the feeling that absolutely nothing will improve and that you only make their lives worse you don’t realise that many people do it for those they love because they feel they would be better off without you.

I have also heard that suicide is a bit over the top because everyone has hard times and gets over it. Depression is not having a hard time. Stop dismissing genuine sufferers of depression you wouldn’t dismiss how hard having cancer is to deal with, how much it takes over your life or how it affects those around someone.

“He was rich how could he be depressed” well this one is just ridiculous are there people out there who still haven’t realised that mental illnesses are ILLNESSES and illnesses do not pick who will have them based on what people own that is 100% not how illness works.

Now moving forward I would really recommend that everyone who reads this also pops over to http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html and takes note of the warning signs of suicidal people because apparently 75% of people who commit suicide show some of these warning signs so knowing them could seriously save lives. Maybe share the page around and save some lives or at least improve understanding.

Thanks people.