Poly question time again. This one was worded rather offensively but I shall answer it anyway.
Do you not worry about STI’s?
Simple answer yes.
I worry about sexual diseases a lot. I always have. I deal with it in sensible mature ways though. Being poly has not really changed how I deal with my sexual health. I have always had safer sex not necessarily completely 100% risk free as that is basically impossible but as close as I could get. I have always been reasonably highly active sexually so I know I am at a higher risk in general.
Poly wise we deal with the possibility STI’s in my marriage by having firm rules on what is and isn’t allowed with other partners. We don’t allow penetrative sex with others in general without condoms and if one of us has been active with others (yes it’s usually me) we get tested regularly. These rules do not apply with a current partner he has been tested, is only currently active with me and so things are allowed that wouldn’t otherwise be, if he becomes active with others this will change.
So yes I worry about STI’s and I deal with it like everything else I worry about in life.
Poly question time again. Not had a chance to post anymore answers until now.
What would happen if you got pregnant?
This is by far the most complicated question I have been asked and a very emotional topic so excuse me if I get a little wrapped up in it.
A year ago my answer to this would have been so simple, if I got pregnant I would have a baby. My beautiful family would grow. It would be generally pretty easy to work out who the father was. I only have unprotected sex with my husband. If there was a chance it was someone else’s they would be told and given a chance to be a part of its life or not. Then we would have all sat down and worked things out from there.
Things are now very different. In august I found out I have a rare blood disease (completely non contagious). I have had some very invasive treatments since, which are ongoing. The current treatments are going to drastically reduce my chance of conception (to basically nothing) which is devastating after I had a miscarriage in February due to the blood condition. I was distraught, my heart was broken and I fucked up several aspects of my life, luckily I fixed some of things I destroyed. I am still sad to say I think I have lost a wonderful person from my life due to my behaviour at that time.
So my answer to what would happen if I got pregnant? Is now very different. My partners would want me to have an abortion (because I would have to stop my treatment while pregnant, which would cause me a high chance of death) but they know me well enough to know I couldn’t do that. Statistically I would most likely miscarry. I personally would cry, hope and pray, do everything possible to fight for that little life.
Hopefully the answer to what would happen if I got pregnant now is a miracle.
Poly question number three
How do you find time for more than one relationship?
My first response to this is usually do you have more than one friend? How do you find time for that? I understand it’s different but I don’t think it’s that different. I make time for everyone in my life who means a lot to me, I don’t find making time for my partners too difficult really.
I live with my husband so he gets a lot of time with me in general but as a lot of that is spent doing non fun things like the food shopping, washing up and keeping the house a decent state we like to make sure we have date nights so we get quality alone time.
I find time for other partners based on mine and their other commitments for example work, other partners and childcare. I invite my current partner over to spend time with me at my house when I am busy with childcare or other things that keep me at home, I wouldn’t do this in a casual relationship because I wouldn’t introduce a casual partner to my child. I go to him when that is more convenient and sometimes we just meet up for an hour or so before/after work etc.
I am lucky in that my partner and my husband get on very well so I can spend time with them both at the same time, which definitely makes things easier.
Poly question number two
Does little one know you are poly? How did you tell him?
My son does indeed know that we are poly. He has only known for about 6 months this isn’t because we were hiding it from him it is because we have never really felt the need to explain things to him, we never said we were monogamous so there were no lies we just hadn’t discussed our relationship status with him. He turned 10 this year and we decided he was old enough to understand things and didn’t want him finding out in anyway other than us telling him. Perfectly timed with us discussing this he saw something on the television that mentioned poly and mono relationships and asked my mum about what it meant, she gave him a brief description. This gave us a perfect platform to start the conversation.
So we sat him down to talk to him about it. Not in any formal way just in the living room in the way we talk about pretty much everything. He has an awareness of poly relationships as there have been other poly people in our lives he just didn’t know what it was called. We discussed the difference between polyamory and monogamy and told him that me and his dad were amongst those involved in a poly relationship, that we see other people as well as each other. He didn’t bat an eyelid just said ok and carried on talking about the TV programme.
He has since met one of my partners and although I haven’t introduced him in that capacity I am pretty sure he is aware of a different connection between my partner and me, and me and other friends because he is very perceptive. I will tell him about the exact definition of this particular relationship when I am sure of where it is going as long as he knows whatever I am doing is with his dad’s knowledge I am not really worried.
I told him partly because I want him to be honest with us and if we expect that then we need to show honesty to him. I have not given him details I wouldn’t give a 10 year old about a monogamous relationship though as I still believe their is such a thing as over sharing. He knows he can ask us if he wants to know more though.
Well I posted on my Facebook for people to ask me questions about Polyamory and the first one I got was is it just sleeping around?
I can only state my understanding of it and how I feel this is in no way an everyone thinks the same thing.
For me polyamory is loving more than one person, it is forming relationships with strong connections and building on them just as you would in a monogamous relationship but you can do it with more than one person at a time.
An open relationship on the other hand can be just about sex, it can be having purely sexual relations with multiple people but not forming love connections.
Swinging is usually just about recreational sex, often both members of a couple going out to meet up with others to have sex. Sometimes swingers have long lasting relationships with a third person or a couple who they swing with, sometimes they have sex with a different individual or couple every time and everything in between.
Some relationships fall into more than one of these categories, some fall somewhere in between.
Now I personally am poly I occasionally have casual sex and am allowed to within my relationship dynamics. I mainly choose to do sexual play with people I know well though, casual sex doesn’t make me particularly happy unless it’s with a good friend. So I fall between poly and open. I have also been to swingers clubs but only for specialist events so I wouldn’t count myself as a swinger.
So the short answer is for some it’s probably just about sex but not for me.